Roughly a year ago, I started this blog. I started it for a number of reasons.
1. I was having serious issues with my friends, some still have not been resolved.
2. I needed somewhere that no one knew who I was so I could say what I wanted.
3. I was starting to wonder about my sexuality.
It’s reason 3 that I am writing this post today. I didn’t want a whole big coming out post, which is why I put it mid-rant. But also, I felt I wanted to share my story with you.
I’ve read a lot of stories on RUComingOut’s page and they made me realise, I’m not alone with the fear of coming out, and it has really helped me to get to the stage I am at today. Anyway, here we go…
As a child, being gay wasn’t something my parents discussed. Being the religous creep my mum is, she didn’t talk about it. It wasn’t unti middle school that I heard the term ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’. These are in inverted commas because everyone used it as an insult (it was the favourite insult), no one actually knew what it meant.
Our teachers got fed up of people insulting each other this way, so they sat us all down and explained the meaning of both terms. As a year 5, I was just like, and, the issue? Evidently I was the only one who thought this, everyone else was like omg thats so weird. Which made me associate non-heterosexuality as a bad thing. I didn’t really think anything of it.
Fast forward around 5 years into year 9,(around october 2014) I started watching youtubers such as Tyler Oakley. This introduced me to the LGBTQ+ community and made me realise it wasn’t a bad thing.
Around the time I started this blog, so January/ February, I realised I was looking at both guys and girls. I started to ask my self, what if I’m not straight? I watched a lot of youtubers coming out videos, read a lot of coming stories (yep, wouldn’t reccomend it. Some of them are not good…)
By I don’t know really. Summer 2015 ish I realised I was bisexual, slightly pansexual. On October 12th 2015, I was comfortable with this and I published a post on this blog titled ‘some people don’t get me’. This was basically one of my rants where I just ended up mentioning the fact I was bi, and I was just like fuck it. If people have an issue, I ‘m not telling them to read this.
I didn’t have the confidence to tell anyone I knew. I knew my parents wouldn’t take it well, and I had no clue how my friends would react. For around 6 months I felt so alone, isolated.
I came back to school for 2016, one of my new years resolutions was to try to come out to some people. On the 6th January, one of my friends was really upset. She had previously been before Christmas, but no one would tell me why.
Long story cut short, someone liked her, she’s gay, he confessed that he liked her, he got rejected, this triggered panic attacks, she was upset about causing this, shortly after Christmas I don’t know exactly what happened (well I don’t know the exact details of any part of this story anyway) but people found out about her. I then did as well. And that’s when I was just like well wtf, I’m with 3 non-judging people, one of them has been through what I have, tell them now. So I was just like “yeah well I’m bi” when she told me (she accompanied by the other 2 told me at lunch in person before I heard any rumours).
That weekend I also told my friend L, who wasn’t really bothered, as if I’d just told her that grass was green. Today, I also told someone else, one of C’s friends who got ditched. So neither of us like her much. She didn’t see it coming but she was very supportive.
However, I still need to tell my mum (religous creep, thinks non-heterosexuals are ‘weird’. Once said to me if you turn out gay, I won’t be angry, but I will be very very dissapointed and sad. It’s not the right way. Also thinks bisexuals are the worst… Great) and my dad (jerk, violent and easily angered if things don’t go his way, not keen on gay people at all). I won’t be telling them until I have my own roof…
I know that they probably should know at some point and I can’t hide it forever, but we can think about that if and when it comes to it. Considering that my only relationship has been with cake (and even then that didn’t last long (I ate it, just to clarify)), I don’t think it’s likely to become an issue any time soon.
After my parents find out, I can begin to tell others. But for now, I am happy that the weight has been taken off my shoulders, a few select people know but no one who’s going to judge me.
So that’s the story so far. Hopefully, I will continue to keep you updated and if anyone ever wants to talk about ANYTHING (well almost), DM me on any of the social media’s below.
Love, AkwardHuman xx
Twitter & Instagram: @akwardhumanblog