Coming To Terms With Yourself/ Coming Out

Hello!

You are probably aware that I spend too much time on the internet. This is really the product of that. A lot of people (when I say that I mean a large precentage of people who talk to me) ask me about how I knew I was bisexual and/or agender, or say they think they may be [insert gender/sexuality].

And I just want to make a post with some advice for people who don’t ask. I wasn’t confident enough to ask for advice, I only used existing help on the internet. I guess I want to contribute to that. Since yesterday was Bi Visibility Day, I figured that now would be the best time to publish this post. I’m going to say now though, I don’t know everything.

In terms of figuring things out, I’d say don’t feel as if you have to label yourself. I spent quite a while knowing I wasn’t female, without knowing what I was. I get that sometimes you want to be able to label yourself, for the sake of finding similar people, but don’t feel you have to.

Find a label you are comfortable with. The main label I am not comfortable with, would be lesbian. Sometimes if I want to be specific I will say I’m pansexual, most of the time I will say I’m bisexual. Occasionally I will just say I’m gay (not often, normally that’s just when I’m politely trying to get some guy away from me, doesn’t happen often).

I’d also say, regardless of how you identify and what people say, it’s ok. For every piece of hate I get, I get so much more support.

I know that this next piece of advice is what everyone says, but don’t feel you have to come out until you are ready. There are few people who I am out to as bisexual, and even fewer as agender.

In terms of coming out, I like to use things like the Clash Of Clans global chat to come out to strangers. It probably sounds weird, but I think it made it easier for me to actually come out to people. I found it good because a lot of the time, the people were like “ok cool”. You never have to see the people, and you won’t talk to them again.

Being in the closet is shit. Anyone would tell you that. I find it easier to be in the closet with my sexuality than my gender. I guess because your gender is something that comes up every time someone uses pronouns you don’t want to hear. If you find you have to stay in the closet, like I do, you have to be aware of this.

They say right after you come out of the closet is pretty shit. But in the long run, you get to be yourself and a lot happier. From coming out to the few people I have come out to, I was happier for coming out.

I hope that this post has been helpful to you if you are trying to figure out who you are, or are thinking of coming out. If you would like to talk, I always try to help as best as I can and my socials are linked above, feel free to DM me. There are also a number of support things around if you know where to look.

If you enjoyed this post, let me know by liking it, maybe leave me a nice comment with your own experiences. If you want to see more of what I have to say, please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx

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Why I Hate Chart Music

Hello!

Fact: I hate most of the music in the charts. Feel free to kill me. Whatever, I actually don’t care.

But I have a point with this. Especially in the area that I live, you are limited to a few radio stations, which have the same few songs in repeat. So what may have once been a decent song, gradually annoys you more and more.

Then, when you hated a song to start off with… It slowly drives you to insanity (well, not quite, but it makes you crazy.) I’m talking about overplayed songs like Despacito, I don’t think I have a day without hearing it at least 3 times.

Putting that fact aside… Some of the songs are also just plain shit. Charli xcx’s song Boys… Come on. That must have taken all of 5 minutes to write. It’s just the fact that the lyrics are repetitive and there isn’t really a decent melody.

I’m going to put it out there, the radio murders some songs. I heard a version of Adele’s Hello that had been completely butchered by one station. Anything by Adele, is meant to be pretty raw (would that be the right word?) The song is about the lyrics and her voice. A beat in the background and trying to make it EDM, doesn’t work, and that’s coming from someone who spends their whole life listening to EDM.

I get that the charts are a reflection of what people are listening to, but when Ed Sheeran’s entire album features in something stupid like all of the top 16… People, get some variety!

I’d say my biggest single issue is DJ Khaled. I never could take him seriously, especially since he got booted of the stage at EDC Vegas. And there was a good reason for that. DJ Khaled is shit, has no talent whatsoever, and if I was ever to meet him, I would be punching him. And who labels themselves DJ when they don’t DJ?

The bottom line is, the charts are shit. Half of what gets onto the charts is by the same few artists who don’t actually have much talent.

I hope you enjoyed this little piss take, if you did please give it a like, maybe leave a comment. If you want to see more of what I have to say, please follow me. My socials are also linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

The Way I See Gender

Hello!

This is a basic analogy. It is not written to offend or exclude anyone. I am not an expert, and I do not know everything about gender, so I am sorry in advance if you do not agree with what I have to say.

I always find it interesting how people see gender differently. Some people (who need to open their minds) see it as two colours, take pink and blue, the classically gendered colours. You are either one or the other.

Some just deny the existence of gender, they say it is an idea that is put into our heads by other people who like to stereotype.

The way I see it, gender is a colour spectrum like light.

You have the primary colours- red, green and blue, representing male and female, the two genders most people are born as and how a fair majority identify. In more simple words, it represents cisgender people.

Between that you have colours like purple and yellow. I like to say that these represent some of the non-binary genders, for example bigender, and maybe transgender people.

Not shown on the diagram, there is white. In light, this is a mixture of all colours, I see this to represent identities such as gender fluid.

Also not shown on the diagram is black, the abscence of light, and also gender, representing identities like agender. Not a colour, but you can’t deny it’s existence.

The line spectrum analogy means you aren’t closer to being one gender or another. Say you were to try to place male and female, where do you put them? Where does one colour start and end? And also, take into account, this diagram keeps repeating. Every time you reach violet, it goes back to red.

I hope you liked this perception of gender. Please give it a like if you did, feel free to comment with your suggestions of how you see gender. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me, my socials are also linked below.

AwkwardHuman xx

My Big Burghley F*ck Up

Hello!

I went to Burghley Horse Trials, if you follow my Instagram (@awkwardhumanblog), you’d know that. If you know anything about horses, you’d also know that Burghley is kind of a big deal.

So obviously when my aunt and uncle asked if I wanted to go for the Saturday, I said yes.

But, like most things in my life, this didn’t exactly go to plan. When I say that, I mean we fucked up pretty badly. So when my uncle phoned my dad (when we were initially planning to go), my dad was told it was on the August Bank Holidah weekend. My uncle called back and then said it was the first weekend of September.

By this point, August bank holiday weekend was written in the calendar. Some idiot forgot to change this. Because it was written in the calendar, no one questioned it. For months, we’d been talking about a different weekend. Until the Friday of the bank holiday.

Our tickets weren’t here. We were in full panic mode. So we called my aunt and uncle. This was the point where they realised, we had the wrong weekend. Fail. As a result, half of the people we were originally going with, couldn’t come.

When the right weekend eventually arrived, I was fully expecting everything to go wrong. Turns out I was wrong about things going wrong.

It was an amazing day, and my biggest problem was that I really could have used a second battery for my camera.

More photos are on my Instagram.

We sat in a spot (I think it was Discovery Valley) for a large amount of the morning, since each horse and rider came through there twice. Then in the afternoon we walked around the course a bit more.

I haven’t really been to an event like Burghley before, but I think it was a good experience and I’d definitely be up for it again.

If you want to see more of what I’m up to follow my socials (linked at the top of my site). If you enjoyed this post please give it a like or a comment. To see more of what I have to say about life, please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx

I’m Going To Sixth Form.

Hello!

I finally got my GCSE results… I did well enough (I don’t have to retake English, which is good), which means I got the grades to go to sixth form.

Yay.

I then realised, sixth form is going to be shit. (Optimism)

Quite frankly, I’m going to be surrounded by the kind of entitled nerds who I spend most of my time trying not to punch. It’s going to be challening. Plus there’s the fact I hate people anyway.

When I signed up someone forgot to mention… The school is run by the God Squad… By that I mean they’re too religious for comfort. I have no problem with religion, what I have a problem with is forcing it on people, especially through the method of schools. Which means unless I find a pretty good excuse, I’m singing Jesus songs.

As well as this, the people running the school clearly love gender stereotypes. Oh yes… They are a pretentious school that do speech day. And I’ve heard rumours that all girls have to wear a skirt. Unfortunately the school think I am female so I am screwed.

I’d also like to mention that the last time I did a full day of school was before May half term… The last time I did a full week was some time before that… I don’t think I did a full week in the summer term at all. So that’s going to be difficult.

Dress codes… Where do I start? All I wanted in life was a suit… A real nice suit. But due to the previously mentioned skirt issue and my mum, that isn’t happening. So I’m stuck in irritating shirts, which aren’t actual shirts, although at least I have a few pairs of trousers.

There’s also my general attitude. When I’m with people who are serious, I really struggle to be serious.

However… I am looking forward to student discounts. I was in PC World the other day and the gut was like “you can get a discount with Student Beans if you go to sixth form”. So I looked into it and I was like… I can actually sign up to this. Cheap stuff. Yay.

I will keep the blog updated about my time at sixth form, because it’s going to be entertaining. If you enjoyed this post, please give it a like or comment. Feel free to follow me, my socials are linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

My Spam Comments

Hello!

I get a lot of spam comments. Some of them are pretty funny. Obviously normally they can’t be seen and I don’t get notified by them thanks to Akismet. But I can choose to view them, and every so often I do. So I decided to leave them for maybe a couple of months so I could write a post about my spam comments. Here we go…

I really don’t understand the first paragraph… Or any of the rest of it actually. Did this person just do that thing where they write what autocorrect suggests?

Well thankyou… But that post really wasn’t that interesting, and I don’t think there’s much to learn.

Wow, free truck games? Sign me up. I didn’t bother to check out the link, but I’m guessing it’s self promotion.

Ok, this is literally pressing autocorrect. This made me laugh, a lot.

Is it me, or are they writing to Sheryl? The third paragraph confuses me. Thanks for the spam comment to someone else.

Thanks for the free advice, but in all seriousness, I’m not that serious about this blog.

This started off as just weird then got into self promotion. And what is it with them all being on Why I Am The Way I Am?

I have an RSS feed? That’s news.

Loving the self promotion. Thank you very much.

This person had another 4 comments also on the same post… What the actual fuck? Stop getting your bot or whatever to ask for advice, and at least get a better one that doesn’t comment on the same post.

That’s all of my spam comments at the moment. If you enjoyed this post, please give it a like or a comment. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me, my socials are linked at the top of my site.

AwkwardHuman xx

The (Almost) Complete Truth

Hello!

I’ve been thinking for a while now. Yes, me thinking is probably a dangerous idea. I’ve been running this blog for over 2 years and in this time, in some aspects I’ve been able to be more truthful with how I am in real life, and in some, it’s almost like I’m a different person.

I struggle to open up. Like, really struggle. In real life, I tend to avoid emotions where possible, I avoid showing a sexuality- if people ask me what I think I tend to literally say “whatever”. Even on this blog, I don’t talk about relationships, well I have none because no one wants to go near the potentially transgender weirdo ( a lot of people think I’m a trans guy and apparantly that’s a turn off, plus I’m just weird anyway). Ignoring that fact, I still refuse to discuss things like who I like with anyone, even my closest friends.

This is mostly because of how bullied I was in year 7 and 8, I was bullied for showing emotion, and I guess I just learnt to shut myself off. Not completely, but enough to protect myself. When I joined a new school in year 9 , I began AwkwardHuman not long afterwards. With the shutting myself off, my emotions would build up and then normally come out as anger.

I figured it was better to open up to about 5 strangers on the internet who don’t actually read my blog than to get angry for “no reason”.

I’m often asked who I really am. The main reason I will refuse to tell anyone is because it only takes one person to recognise my name for everything to come out. If my family were to find out that I’m agender and bisexual (or even just one of those two things), I am at a risk of being kicked out, even if I was allowed to stay, I’m not sure how safe it would be for me to.

I don’t know when I realised just how much I struggle to open up to people about what I really feel. People who know me in real life, they see someone who is pretty confident in themselves and happy to take the piss out of other people. This hides just how underconfident I am.

While I will take the piss out of others, I hide the fact that I go through serious phases of hating who I am. Some days I’m better than others, sometimes I can be there in my head like “I’m agender and stuck in a female body, but hey that’s cool.” Other days I hate that I’m trapped in a female body, I can’t go near a mirror without hating myself. When I have those days, I want to be able to correct people when they use she pronouns, when they use my real name, I want to do anything I can to relieve some of the feeling of being trapped. This has been happening more and more often lately.

There are some days, I want to be able to say to anyone who reads this”hi people, this is my face. My name is [insert name]”. But I know I can’t. I come from one of those places where everyone will know someone you know, it’s the one thing that, at least while I live in the same house as my parents, I can not share with the interent. Every day I want to be able to ask for help, but I can’t, it’s safer and easier for me to suffer in silence.

I hope you are able to have something close to an understanding of what I’m trying to say. I guess I just wanted to get accross that I struggle to open up to people. Opening up is something I want to do so badly, but I guess I’m just too scared to.

If you enjoyed this post please give it a like. If you experience similar issues, please leave a comment. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx

Dunkirk Film Review

Hello!

So I went to see Dunkirk this week, because my parents had heard all about it and it was one of those films “you should see”. I don’t think so. It simply wasn’t as good as it’s been made out to be.

I have a few issues. Number one, on the beaches at Dunkirk there was supposed to be around 400000 men. They needed more extras, or at least some editing, there was a couple of hundred at the most in lines shown in the film, which made the beach look half empty.

Secondly, continuity? No, we don’t need that any more. I get that yes, it was chaotic, yes the viewer was following several groups of people at any one time. But if they all look the same, at least make it easier for your regular idiot to follow by not switching between different times of day and weathers all the time.

In terms of historical accuracy, was there really just a few helmets left on the beach? Probably not. The beaches were covered in kit, and probably a few bodies as well as the 150000 people who were left behind.

Also, I get that the producers probably wanted to keep the whole thing of “it could be anyone” by not having any character development and no famous names. But I got to the end of the film and I was just like, I don’t even have a clue about the names of half the “main” characters.

I’ll give it some credit, it managed to hold my interest. But it was not as good as people have been saying. Yes, you probably should watch it, because in terms of how difficult it was to get off the beach, I’d say it’s reasonably accurate. However, it is not the “hardhitting” film I heard about.

I hope you enjoyed this post, if you did please give it a like. Feel free to let me know your own opinions in the comments below. If you want to see more of what I have to say, please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx

Mitsis Summer Palace (Kos, Greece) Review

Hello!

If you read my last post, you’ll know that I went to Kos. You heard all about the earthquake but nothing about where I stayed, so now I’m gone I figured I may as well talk about that.

So I stayed at the Mitsis Summer Palace hotel, it’s all inclusive and I think it’s one of three or four Mitsis hotels in one complex.

Not my photo (sorry)

We got there fairly late on Tuesday night, they checked us in really fast and took us to the room, which was really clean, the air conditioning worked (which is always a bonus in a hot country) and it was large enough for the four of us in there. I’d say my only criticism is that our bathroom didn’t lock, but it’s not the end of the world.

Because we arrived pretty late, we had missed dinner. We assumed we would just have to hang on until breakfast, but we were pleasantly surprised to find they had left food in the room for us.

The food in the main restaurant was really good, it was just one of the buffet situations. There was a wide range of choices at all meals and even if you weren’t keen on certain foods, you weren’t going to be hungry. All the waiters were really friendly and helpful especially after the earthquake, checking everyone was alright.

My Mum was really concerned when we booked the hotel because they have an animation team, we went to a hotel with one before and they were really in your face and loud, but here they weren’t too in your face or loud and they were also really friendly. Also, if you had that much of a problem with them, they were fairly easy to avoid, they tended to be on the beach until around lunch time, then they disappeared until around 3 then reappeared for a couple of hours.

There was also a number of day trips offered. These do cost extra and we planned to go on a couple of them, but my parents kept forgetting to talk to the people about it so it didn’t happen.

The beach was relatively clean and there was a really good water sports station, where you can do things like bannana boats and ringo but this is at an extra cost . There was also a guy who came around with drinks and watermelon if you couldn’t even be bothered to walk to the bar there. The pools were also quite clean, although all except one of them are salt water, which isn’t an issue, but next time I jump into a pool without my eyes covered, a little warning would be nice.

There was also an Italian and a Greek restaurant, included in the all inclusiveness, but you do need to book. We went to both of them and the food there was even better than the main restaurant.

In terms of entertainment, they had the childrens disco every evening at the stage under the main bar, however for the main entertainment this took place in the Norida Beach part, this is still run by Mitsis so you can go there, but it’s a couple of minutes walk. During the day there was also a number of activities.

Overall, this hotel was amazing, the staff were friendly and helpful, the place was clean, the food was good. Would I go back? No. I don’t think there’s time to go to the same place twice, plus also it just isn’t the same because it isn’t the same people. However I would definitely reccomend it to anyone and I would use a Mitsis hotel again.

I hope you found this interesting, especially if you plan on travelling to Greece/ surrounding area. Please give this post a like if you enjoyed it and follow me if you want to see more of what I have to say. Also, feel free to follow my socials, which are linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

My Brother Slept Through An Earthquake

Hello!

If you follow my twitter or Instagram, you would be aware I’m in Kos… There was also an earthquake there very early on Friday morning. The largest one in the area for around 85 years or something. I was there for it, because I’m that kind of lucky person.

I’ve never been in an earthquake before this point. I wasn’t at the epicentre but even at my hotel the room was shaking like crazy. Fortunately it is well designed and modern enough that no serious damage was done and no one was injured.

But that doesn’t mean that no one was scared. Of all the stuff I’ve done, I’d say this is the point I have been most seriously concerned about if I would actually survive.

I don’t know if I was awake before it, or if it woke me up but the first thing I remember was everything shaking dramatically for what felt like ages, but was probably not much longer than 30 seconds. It stopped for probably a minute or 2, then happened again. For the next maybe half hour or hour there was a number of much smaller 3 secondish aftershocks.

When I woke up properly (when I say wake up, I mean gave up trying to sleep) I found out that my brother literally slept through the entire thing and didn’t believe us until he saw it on the news. Where we were, at an estimate we think the main 2 earthquakes we felt were no bigger than a 4. But still, it was loud and pretty dramatic.

It became more dramatic when we hears running water. The shaking caused the pools water to slosh around and its contents were running down the stairs in an ankle high river.

I wrote this post on Sunday 23July and its only today that there were no aftershocks, but on both Friday and Saturday evening there were small ones while we had dinner.

Some people’s reactions was pretty ridiculous. They survived the big one. But they scream, run out of the room (further into the building, which is kind of dumb) and abandon their meals. I think those two evenings are the emptiest I’ve seen the dining room.

In all seriousness, I’m glad no one in my resort was hurt, the casualty and number of deaths was relatively low, although some were still injured or killed, my thoughts go out to them and their families. The staff at the resort were amazing. 

Please give this post a like if you found it interesting, maybe leave a comment on any of your own experiences. If you want to see more of what I have to say please feel free to follow me. If you are not on the WordPress reader my socials should be linked at the top.

 AwkwardHuman xx