Have you ever had that task in English where you have to write a letter to someone? We all get it at some point. You always have to really censor it because you know it’s actually your English teacher who’s going to read it…
So here’s what I’d write to people if my English teacher wasn’t reading.
Dear Mum and Dad,
I am bi. Get used to that idea. It may stop us from being one of those ‘disfunctional families that are all you ever see on TV.’ I am not the issue, if that’s what you think, you lied to me when I was 5 and you said ‘we love you no matter what’. Please take a minute to think about that. I hope that you will learn to accept me. Love, your daughter.
To my brother,
We established we don’t like each other a long time ago when I spun you in the baby bouncer. However, sometimes your alright. SOMETIMES. Not all the time. Really only when we go and play laser tag. Your sister.
Yeah, the embarrassing truth.
You are my longest friend, but I am only your friend when it suits you. To me, that’s not a true friend. You have made some terrible decisions and while you’ve been making them, I’ve been watching, when you got bored, I was suddenly your best friend again. I’m not going to lie but it hurts. Please go and make your bad decisions somewhere else so I don’t get hurt again. From That weirdo you sometimes hang around with.
You guys are probably fed up with that story by now…
To B, E and J,
You are 3 of 5 people that know my face and sexuality. Thank you for being there. I know that one of you has also faced similar issues and can relate to many of my struggles. You have all seen me do some stupid stuff. 2 of you have even watched me vomit. Yet you still stick around with me. You really must be crazy. Thank you. From the really loud and crazy one.
I stalk you. You are probaly fed up of me. But you have never told me to piss off. Probably because I keep an eye on the sheep for you… But anyway, you haven’t ever openly told me you hate me (which is a first). From that weirdo stalker.
There we go, some positive ones.
To my headteacher,
Please do not reproduce. You are a cold hearted woman. As is your deputy. The only thing he cares about is that the doughnut shop closed. However, your school is alright. But I would like to know what happened to 2 of the cooks, they were nice to me. From that idiot pupil who you can hear from the other end of school.
To Bullies/ Popular Kids,
Fuck you. You think I will do what you want just because you have more facebook friends. HOW MANY OF THEM HAVE YOU ACTUALLY MET? You earn my respect, you don’t just get it. Oh, and by the way, yes your bum does look big in those trousers. From that kid who really doesn’t give a shit about what you say.
And there we go. I think I’ll end it there.
Love, AkwardHuman xx
Twitter & Instagram: @akwardhumanblog