I want to start by saying, this is my experience. Please do not use what I experience as a ticklist or a diagnosis, I am not an expert. If I remember I will list a bunch of more useful sites at the end of this post.
If you’d asked me a little over a year ago, I wouldn’t have had much of an idea about what gender dysphoria is. To put it simply
“Gender dysphoria (GD), or gender identity disorder (GID), is the distress a person experiences as a result of the sex and gender they were assigned at birth. ” Wikipedia
There are a few things surrounding agender people and gender dysphoria. We are less likely to experience gender dysphoria. That means some of us still do.
Up until around September last year, I would have fallen into the “most” category, I didn’t really think I did. I’m going to make it clear, I have not been diagnosed with gender dysphoria by a medical professional, however, I do have a lot of symptoms of it and personally, I’d say it’s the best way to describe how I feel at times.
Anyway, back to the story. When I joined my current school, I went back into the closet. At my previous school, my gender and sexuality was something known among most of my friends. At the current school, it became clear very quickly that it is a very homophobic place and the people are not trustworthy. I’m out to one person in the whole school.
Pretending to be female absolutely crushes me inside. Since I’ve been at this school I’ve had so many days where I just feel so small inside because I’m pretending to be a dead person. I’m living by a name I just want to get rid of. That’s part of the reason I really don’t want to learn to drive, whenever I look at my provisional licence I just want to cry. I’ve spent more time crying on my bathroom floor in the last 6 months than I have since I was bullied in year 6, 7 and 8. I feel more tired than I ever have. I have days where things are so bad, it’s enough of a struggle to basically function, let alone to carry on like everything’s normal and go to school.
I tend to get triggered by things such as people insisting on addressing me by my birth name instead of the gender neutral shortened version. Also things like transphobia triggers me. I also find that it’s worse if I’ve been left alone with my own thoughts for too long.
Most of the time nowadays, I’m feeling shit because I live in circumstances where I have to pretend to be female, I can’t express my gender identity how I want, people use the wrong pronouns and they address me by my birth name.
I hope that some people can relate to this. Eventually things get better, apparently, that’s what I tell myself anyway. Please like this post or leave a comment if you enjoyed it. Follow me to see more of what I have to say. My socials are at the top.