How National Coming Out Day went for me

Hello!

This week on Wednesday it was National Coming Out day. I’d say it’s one of my favourite days in the year (I don’t actually know why, I just do). 

For the last two years I’ve set myself the challenge of opening the closet door that little bit further and coming out to someone.

I also did wear the entire rainbow, but no one noticed because it was all in small things (bright coloured suits are banned in my sixth form). 

Anyway, this year I came out to a friend who is pretty close to me. I sent this person (and a couple of others) a video of me kicking my closet door open, along with the Snapchat filter for national coming out day and some rainbows. I only sent this to people who I had come out to about my sexuality to.

This person then came out to me as bisexual. Which was great. And I am so proud of this person for feeling confident enough to come out to me.

Then I realised… I hadn’t said I was agender to this person. So while they were doing the whole thing of “please don’t tell anyone else” I just said (roughly) I’ve kept a lot of secrets. You know that. Then in the next message (very shortened): I don’t think I mentioned I’m agender.
As with when I told my friend B, it somehow failed to surprise.

I just wanted to share this story with the people of the internet. I hope National Coming Out Day went well for any of you if you decided to come out to anyone. 

If you enjoyed this post, give it a like. Please feel free to leave your stories in the comments below. If you want to see more of what I have to say, follow me. My socials are also linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

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My New School Is Very Homophobic

Hello!

By the time this post goes online it will be October. Which means I have been at sixth form for a month. I’d say that I can now give an honest view of how I’m feeling about things.

First… Well, I couldn’t wait to never have to do English again (other than the blog). Guess which idiot is resitting? Yes. I am. I got a 5 in language, while I don’t have to resit, it’s a good idea for me to for vet school.

Also… The people. One, I don’t like a lot of them. I am really struggling to find anything in common with anyone. Don’t throw the “you’ll find some friends, try some other people,” there twelve people in my year. And two, their gaydars are very broken. I love being in the closet.

While I’m on the subject of the LGBT, I don’t think I’ve ever been in such a homophobic school. In classrooms on desks there are homophobic things written in plain sight. I’ve seen things like “fuck off you faggot” written, and that doesn’t offend me personally, because I am very difficult to offend, it is extremely offensive. My brother was telling me the other day he’d had a conversation where someone had made a gay comment in English, the teacher had said “what’s wrong with being gay”. The general class opinion was it was wrong and disgusting. The fact I am in a school with people who think that, is disgusting.

In terms of the subjects I’ve chosen… I’ve fucked up every chemistry practicle so far. In the first one, I sent the whole thing for a flight. In the second I overfilled my solution for a titration. And in the most recent one, I spilt a load of acid then smashed a beaker. Biology, yeah that’s fine. Maths is fine. Then there’s further maths. I don’t know how or why I let myself get talked into doing that.

The school itself has some weird rules. We aren’t allowed to leave a room without wearing a blazer/jacket. At the start of assembley we all have to stand for the headteacher to come in… What the actual fuck.

The headteacher reminds me of Donald Trump in a creepy way (only in appearance). He is a bit weird in just the way he is and he isn’t particularly popular with students.

Other than all of that… Yeah, sixth form is great. I would seriously appreciate any advice on how I could possibly challenge homophobia/ anti-LGBT opinions in general without having to come out of the closet.

I hope you enjoyed this little update, if you did please give it a like. Please feel free to leave me some advice in the comments. If you want to see more of what I have to say, follow me. My socials are, as always, linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

Coming To Terms With Yourself/ Coming Out

Hello!

You are probably aware that I spend too much time on the internet. This is really the product of that. A lot of people (when I say that I mean a large precentage of people who talk to me) ask me about how I knew I was bisexual and/or agender, or say they think they may be [insert gender/sexuality].

And I just want to make a post with some advice for people who don’t ask. I wasn’t confident enough to ask for advice, I only used existing help on the internet. I guess I want to contribute to that. Since yesterday was Bi Visibility Day, I figured that now would be the best time to publish this post. I’m going to say now though, I don’t know everything.

In terms of figuring things out, I’d say don’t feel as if you have to label yourself. I spent quite a while knowing I wasn’t female, without knowing what I was. I get that sometimes you want to be able to label yourself, for the sake of finding similar people, but don’t feel you have to.

Find a label you are comfortable with. The main label I am not comfortable with, would be lesbian. Sometimes if I want to be specific I will say I’m pansexual, most of the time I will say I’m bisexual. Occasionally I will just say I’m gay (not often, normally that’s just when I’m politely trying to get some guy away from me, doesn’t happen often).

I’d also say, regardless of how you identify and what people say, it’s ok. For every piece of hate I get, I get so much more support.

I know that this next piece of advice is what everyone says, but don’t feel you have to come out until you are ready. There are few people who I am out to as bisexual, and even fewer as agender.

In terms of coming out, I like to use things like the Clash Of Clans global chat to come out to strangers. It probably sounds weird, but I think it made it easier for me to actually come out to people. I found it good because a lot of the time, the people were like “ok cool”. You never have to see the people, and you won’t talk to them again.

Being in the closet is shit. Anyone would tell you that. I find it easier to be in the closet with my sexuality than my gender. I guess because your gender is something that comes up every time someone uses pronouns you don’t want to hear. If you find you have to stay in the closet, like I do, you have to be aware of this.

They say right after you come out of the closet is pretty shit. But in the long run, you get to be yourself and a lot happier. From coming out to the few people I have come out to, I was happier for coming out.

I hope that this post has been helpful to you if you are trying to figure out who you are, or are thinking of coming out. If you would like to talk, I always try to help as best as I can and my socials are linked above, feel free to DM me. There are also a number of support things around if you know where to look.

If you enjoyed this post, let me know by liking it, maybe leave me a nice comment with your own experiences. If you want to see more of what I have to say, please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx

The Way I See Gender

Hello!

This is a basic analogy. It is not written to offend or exclude anyone. I am not an expert, and I do not know everything about gender, so I am sorry in advance if you do not agree with what I have to say.

I always find it interesting how people see gender differently. Some people (who need to open their minds) see it as two colours, take pink and blue, the classically gendered colours. You are either one or the other.

Some just deny the existence of gender, they say it is an idea that is put into our heads by other people who like to stereotype.

The way I see it, gender is a colour spectrum like light.

You have the primary colours- red, green and blue, representing male and female, the two genders most people are born as and how a fair majority identify. In more simple words, it represents cisgender people.

Between that you have colours like purple and yellow. I like to say that these represent some of the non-binary genders, for example bigender, and maybe transgender people.

Not shown on the diagram, there is white. In light, this is a mixture of all colours, I see this to represent identities such as gender fluid.

Also not shown on the diagram is black, the abscence of light, and also gender, representing identities like agender. Not a colour, but you can’t deny it’s existence.

The line spectrum analogy means you aren’t closer to being one gender or another. Say you were to try to place male and female, where do you put them? Where does one colour start and end? And also, take into account, this diagram keeps repeating. Every time you reach violet, it goes back to red.

I hope you liked this perception of gender. Please give it a like if you did, feel free to comment with your suggestions of how you see gender. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me, my socials are also linked below.

AwkwardHuman xx

Coming Out. Again.

Hello!

I’m not going to lie, the last few months have been hard. This isn’t talking about GCSEs, the internet has heard enough about those. 

I’ve been out on the internet as bisexual for quite a long time now, but when Miles McKenna (I think I spelt that right) came out as transgender non-binary I was left questioning my own gender. And recently I’ve managed to come to terms with who I am.

I was bought up with gender stereotypes everywhere. Until around the age of 7 I was a very girly girl. Then came the skirt issue. One day I just decided “I really can’t be bothered with skirts or dresses”. I changed my name to a less feminine version of it (which I actually recently found out was gender neutral). I spent quite a long time wishing I wasn’t female. Since then I’ve just drifted away from the female stereotype more and more. Until the point Miles came out I was just like… Whatever the hell I was, a lot of people would have probably labeled me as a butch female with an attitude problem towards anyone who called me my birth name.

Then a couple of months ago a boy in my year was taking the piss saying “ohhh girly-girl.” I told him to fuck off then he said to me “well you are a girl”. At that point, I began to ask am I?

Not too long later I had an argument with my mum over dress codes. She told me I was a girl, I was expected to dress that way. At that point I left the house because I couldn’t be bothered with her bullshit.

I thought about how I am not happy being associated as female, looking back I always have resented being female. I’m not happy being associated as male either. I just sat outside crying. I don’t really know how long I was there. Over a period of time after that I established what I am.

I am gender-neutral, specifically I identify as agender.  I am also bisexual. I am still also a fucking idiot. My preferred pronouns (feels weird to say this) are they/them. 

I haven’t actually told anyone I know in real life about this yet, and as with me being bisexual my parents will not be finding out until I can support myself. It’s difficult. I hate being female, being stereotyped as female, being told to conform. But that’s how I have to live, in the closet, pretending to be someone I’m not in real life.

I thank you all for your support in allowing me to be me. If you liked this post please like it, feel free to leave me a comment. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me, it means so much to me. I will be regularly blogging again sometime in June.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

YouTube’s New Restrictions

Hello!

Yes, I am offline. Yes, I’m “not blogging”. However an issue for the LGBTQ+ community has shown up that I can’t not discuss.

I’m sure YouTube’s restricted mode blocking any content concerning the LGBTQ+ community probably hasn’t escaped your notice. This is a big deal, YouTube is basically the biggest video platform on the internet, yes restricted mode is about protecting people from offensive/dangerous content. But our community is neither of these.

This blocking of all of this content is just another form of discrimination. Yes, in many countries we have equal rights, can get married. But it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of discrimination.

I sometimes hear people say “why do charities like Stonewall still exist. People are equal.” This is why they exist. In theory we are equal, but we all know that events like this still take place and are often still ignored, on this kind of scale and on the small scale- the bullying in schools, the offensive comments, people like myself staying in the closet in fear of rejection. We are not equal.

And while this continues we must continue to be proud, to fight back, to make our voices be heard. Social equality can be achieved, just it hasn’t yet.

That is all I have to say, I will be back regularly in June. If you liked this post give it a like. Feel free to leave any comments. If you want to be notified when I post feel free to follow me, it means a lot.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

My Problem With Gender Stereotypes

Hello!

I had a major fallout with my mum today. Generally, we don’t argue too much, but sometimes she pushes it. We’re currently on the way to some Christmas carol service (its not even December.)

Before we left she announced I had to wear a dress. When I asked why, she simply said, being the middle class bitch she likes to be, I had to because I am a girl.

Since when was it a thing that girls wear dresses? We are a society where many things are much more accepted than they once were. If a guy wants to wear a dress, they should be able to and if a girl wants to not wear a dress, they shouldn’t happen. 

I really hate gender stereotypes. My parents were the biggest enforcers of them I know. I have a clear memory of a fireworks display as a child, and I was really scared. The fireworks were alternating green and pink. I remember my dad as they went off saying “pink for girls, green for boys.” Since when did colours have genders? 

Yet, the worst part of the dress scenario is every time I try to avoid dress wearing, my mum gives me the antigay talk and says how embarrassing it is. She banned me from riding for 6 months as a result once.

Mum, give me the “I don’t want you to be a lesbian” talk as much as you like. I’m not. I prefer the term bisexual thank you very much.

If you have any examples of stupid gender stereotypes, I’d love to hear them. If you enjoyed this post, please give it a like. I post shit every Sunday so follow if you want to read more, it means a lot to me. 

Love, AkwardHuman xx

My Mum Affects Me Way Too Much

Hello!

So I just got a haircut, I went in for a trim, told the hairdresser wanted. It came out a little bit shorter than I would have liked, but all in all I don’t think it’s a bad cut. 

I got into the car and my mum started having a go at me about how it was too short and how I look like a guy and people will think I’m a lesbian. 

While she was saying this, I was retaliating in my head, the usual “well you’re halfway there, congratulations.” I wasn’t really taking in that part of it.

I got in and looked in the mirror, and it appears I heard way too much of what she said and I hated what had happened to my hair. 

I decided to take a photo and send it to B and E. B got back pretty quickly and told me, yes its short. Its not that different to when it was first done and I left getting a trim so long that it does feel shorter than it is. She also told me not to listen to my mum.

It made me realise that I take far too much of what she has to say personally. The way she always has an opinion on what I do and how it ruins my confidence in myself. 

She always goes on at me about how I was as a child, how confident, pretty, friendly. All that bullshit. That child is gone. It has been destroyed by you mum. She made me do stuff I didn’t want to do, destroying my confidence. She made me wear stuff I didn’t want to wear, making me have a severe hate towards anything girly. She made me socialise with people I hate, giving me a general disliking to humans. 

What she does has far too much of an impact on me, and I really don’t like that. Especially when she has a go at me about gay people. She only pushes me further and further into the closet, and I want to be able to be myself.

Please, never let what anyone says get to you in this way. Be the best version of you, you can and want to be. Don’t let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do with your life.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Pulse Nightclub Shooting

Hello.

I’m sure that it hasn’t escaped your attention that this weekend, there was a mass shooting in at Pulse Night Club Orlando. If you haven’t, I would reccomend reading this.

This is absolutely atrocious. We are supposed to be civilised human beings. Then some dick comes along and does this. These were innocent people, they hadn’t done anything wrong, they were out having a good time, they happened to be LGBT.

Let’s reverse the situation. What if you were being shot because you were straight? How would you feel? Exactly.

No one deserves to be discriminated against for their sexuality. No one. And this is why we are proud of who we are. As it says in this tweet if anything, if you are part of the LGBT, be proud. Pride isn’t just about pride, it’s about showing people that they can say and do what they want. We are still who we are, and that’s not going to change.

If people have an issue with that, they’re just going to have to deal with it. Going into a gay club with a gun is not going to solve anything. People are who they are, that doesn’t change. Love is love.

I was very saddened to hear of this event, and I hope that our worlds leaders will make sure that nothing like this happens in the future. Around 50 innocent people died, I can’t imagine what this must be like for their families.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Bisexual: My Story So Far

Hello!

Roughly a year ago, I started this blog. I started it for a number of reasons.
1. I was having serious issues with my friends, some still have not been resolved.
2. I needed somewhere that no one knew who I was so I could say what I wanted.
3. I was starting to wonder about my sexuality.

It’s reason 3 that I am writing this post today. I didn’t want a whole big coming out post, which is why I put it mid-rant. But also, I felt I wanted to share my story with you.

I’ve read a lot of stories on RUComingOut’s page and they made me realise, I’m not alone with the fear of coming out, and it has really helped me to get to the stage I am at today. Anyway, here we go…

As a child, being gay wasn’t something my parents discussed. Being the religous creep my mum is, she didn’t talk about it. It wasn’t unti middle school that I heard the term ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’. These are in inverted commas because everyone used it as an insult (it was the favourite insult), no one actually knew what it meant.

Our teachers got fed up of people insulting each other this way, so they sat us all down and explained the meaning of both terms. As a year 5, I was just like, and, the issue? Evidently I was the only one who thought this, everyone else was like omg thats so weird. Which made me associate non-heterosexuality as a bad thing. I didn’t really think anything of it.

Fast forward around 5 years into year 9,(around october 2014) I started watching youtubers such as Tyler Oakley. This introduced me to the LGBTQ+ community and made me realise it wasn’t a bad thing.

Around the time I started this blog, so January/ February, I realised I was looking at both guys and girls. I started to ask my self, what if I’m not straight? I watched a lot of youtubers coming out videos, read a lot of coming stories (yep, wouldn’t reccomend it. Some of them are not good…)

By I don’t know really. Summer 2015 ish I realised I was bisexual, slightly pansexual. On October 12th 2015, I was comfortable with this and I published a post on this blog titled ‘some people don’t get me’. This was basically one of my rants where I just ended up mentioning the fact I was bi, and I was just like fuck it. If people have an issue, I ‘m not telling them to read this.

I didn’t have the confidence to tell anyone I knew. I knew my parents wouldn’t take it well, and I had no clue how my friends would react. For around 6 months I felt so alone, isolated.

I came back to school for 2016, one of my new years resolutions was to try to come out to some people. On the 6th January, one of my friends was really upset. She had previously been before Christmas, but no one would tell me why.

Long story cut short, someone liked her, she’s gay, he confessed that he liked her, he got rejected, this triggered panic attacks, she was upset about causing this, shortly after Christmas I don’t know exactly what happened (well I don’t know the exact details of any part of this story anyway) but people found out about her. I then did as well. And that’s when I was just like well wtf, I’m with 3 non-judging people, one of them has been through what I have, tell them now. So I was just like “yeah well I’m bi” when she told me (she accompanied by the other 2 told me at lunch in person before I heard any rumours).

That weekend I also told my friend L, who wasn’t really bothered, as if I’d just told her that grass was green. Today, I also told someone else, one of C’s friends who got ditched. So neither of us like her much. She didn’t see it coming but she was very supportive.

However, I still need to tell my mum (religous creep, thinks non-heterosexuals are ‘weird’. Once said to me if you turn out gay, I won’t be angry, but I will be very very dissapointed and sad. It’s not the right way. Also thinks bisexuals are the worst… Great) and my dad (jerk, violent and easily angered if things don’t go his way, not keen on gay people at all). I won’t be telling them until I have my own roof…

I know that they probably should know at some point and I can’t hide it forever, but we can think about that if and when it comes to it. Considering that my only relationship has been with cake (and even then that didn’t last long (I ate it, just to clarify)), I don’t think it’s likely to become an issue any time soon.

After my parents find out, I can begin to tell others. But for now, I am happy that the weight has been taken off my shoulders, a few select people know but no one who’s going to judge me.

So that’s the story so far. Hopefully, I will continue to keep you updated and if anyone ever wants to talk about ANYTHING (well almost), DM me on any of the social media’s below.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

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