Gender Dysphoria: My Story


I want to start by saying, this is my experience. Please do not use what I experience as a ticklist or a diagnosis, I am not an expert. If I remember I will list a bunch of more useful sites at the end of this post.

If you’d asked me a little over a year ago, I wouldn’t have had much of an idea about what gender dysphoria is. To put it simply

“Gender dysphoria (GD), or gender identity disorder (GID), is the distress a person experiences as a result of the sex and gender they were assigned at birth. ” Wikipedia

There are a few things surrounding agender people and gender dysphoria. We are less likely to experience gender dysphoria. That means some of us still do.

Up until around September last year, I would have fallen into the “most” category, I didn’t really think I did. I’m going to make it clear, I have not been diagnosed with gender dysphoria by a medical professional, however, I do have a lot of symptoms of it and personally, I’d say it’s the best way to describe how I feel at times.

Anyway, back to the story. When I joined my current school, I went back into the closet. At my previous school, my gender and sexuality was something known among most of my friends. At the current school, it became clear very quickly that it is a very homophobic place and the people are not trustworthy. I’m out to one person in the whole school.

Pretending to be female absolutely crushes me inside. Since I’ve been at this school I’ve had so many days where I just feel so small inside because I’m pretending to be a dead person. I’m living by a name I just want to get rid of. That’s part of the reason I really don’t want to learn to drive, whenever I look at my provisional licence I just want to cry. I’ve spent more time crying on my bathroom floor in the last 6 months than I have since I was bullied in year 6, 7 and 8. I feel more tired than I ever have. I have days where things are so bad, it’s enough of a struggle to basically function, let alone to carry on like everything’s normal and go to school.

I tend to get triggered by things such as people insisting on addressing me by my birth name instead of the gender neutral shortened version. Also things like transphobia triggers me. I also find that it’s worse if I’ve been left alone with my own thoughts for too long.

Most of the time nowadays, I’m feeling shit because I live in circumstances where I have to pretend to be female, I can’t express my gender identity how I want, people use the wrong pronouns and they address me by my birth name.

I hope that some people can relate to this. Eventually things get better, apparently, that’s what I tell myself anyway. Please like this post or leave a comment if you enjoyed it. Follow me to see more of what I have to say. My socials are at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx


Things People Say To Their Closeted Gay Friends


Being in the closet means that although things are difficult at times, a lot of people say things assuming that you are straight, and sometimes this is pretty funny. I’ve heard some interesting lines from my friends. This is a bit of a continuation from my last post Things Parents Say To Their Closeted Gay Kids so go and check that out.

Anyway, here we go…

One day, we were all sitting eating lunch, on our phones, the situation went a little bit like this: “oh my god [insert name, can’t remember who the hell it was] is gay. I’ve always wanted a gay friend.” Meanwhile I’m sitting there on my own phone just thinking 🌈🌈🌈. They are so blind…

I have a few friends who are guys. For my female friends who don’t know about my gender or sexuality, the fact I’m “female” with male friends is a difficult concept. Most days I get a comment along the lines of “so you and [name]… Are you together?” Every time I just think, why can’t I have friends… And as someone who is bisexual does that mean that I automatically fancy anyone who I’m friends with? Newsflash, no I don’t. So deal with it.

Then we all have that friend, who’s the causal homophobe because they think it’s funny and don’t realise that they are sitting right next to a fucking rainbow. My only advice here, is say to this friend, “stop saying things like that, you don’t know who you may be offending.” Person shuts up, you stay in closet. Of course, if you want to come out of the closet, that combined with the right line, would be a very entertaining way out.

When you meet new people, a question they normally ask the question “so do you have a boyfriend?” My response to this tends to vary depending on my first impression of whoever asked the question. Normally I have to try very hard not to start laughing. Then you get the person who just can’t have a single friend and wants to set you up with the first single male they find. Which is just great.

I hope that some of you found this relatable, if there’s any that I forgot, please let me know in the comments below. Give this post a like if you enjoyed it. Follow me to see more of what I have to say. My socials are at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

Things Parents Say To Their Closeted Gay Kids


Christmas is coming just around the corner, which means that inevitably you have to spend a lot of time with the family. Being in the closet, they can sometimes say stuff that can be quite funny. Although this post is titled as “parents”, I mean that as a sweeping generalisation of annoying family members.

Every year, at least one person asks “so do you have a boyfriend yet?” This is usually the point I’d come up with some kind of analogy of how not particularly straight I am, but because this is a family event, I can’t do that. So I say no, then someone asks “are you a lesbian?” This is always the question that I answer way to quickly. In truth, I’m not, I’m bisexual, the point here is that I have something to hide.
I don’t know how true this next one is, but whenever my mum has been talking to someone who’s LGBTQ+, on the way back in the car, her first line is normally “if you turn out like that, I won’t be angry, but I’ll be very very disappointed” Thanks mum. 

Another of my mum’s favourite lines is about how “unnatural” being gay is. This line usually follows the previous line. At first I found it offensive, but now it’s just become gay bingo, how many offensive things can she fit into one speech, which takes you away from the offensive bit and at least makes it a little bit funny.

Especially for bisexual people (generally just people who are attracted to multiple genders actually) and non-binary people, a lot of people if they haven’t heard if what you are before, will deny the existence of how you identify. There was a programme on a while ago and my mum just couldn’t understand why this person used they/them pronouns.

Inevitably when you come out, for even the most accepting parents it may be a shock. Some people may get something along the lines of “you need Jesus in your life.” For some this may just be an entertaining line and they just keep a low profile for a few days, for others it may not be, if this is the case, I am very sorry 

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this post, if you did please give it a like, let me know any entertaining lines from your parents below. I may do one about what your friends say, so leave those as well. Follow me to see more of what I have to say. As usual, my socials are at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

The Latest From My Homophobic School


Things have taken an interesting turn at the new school (I should really stop calling it my new school now I’ve been there for half a term). It’s one of those schools with a house system, and a lot of competitions between the houses.

Somehow I got signed up for a pantomime for house drama. Here’s an important thing to remember: I can’t act. So if that by itself isn’t entertaining enough, I’m Prince Charming. At least I don’t have to sing though…

My brother was cast as the ugly stepsister, so I think this is going to be generally quite funny. I may have volunteered him for that while he wasn’t there, but he seemed happy enough to do it.

However, the dicks still exist. I overheard a conversation between 2 year 10’s about a transgender person who had left a year or so ago. I couldn’t figure out the specifics to to their ignorance on the subject, however, they said enough that I was insulted. 

I heard terms like “tranny” and the phrase “people should just be male or female, how their born”. As someone who is neither male or female, it took a lot of self-restraint to not go and educate them or tell them to go to hell.

And then for the rest of the day, I was then just feeling really shit because I can’t come out but I want to so bad. It just makes me angry with myself and people around me.

I hope that maybe some people can relate to this feeling and maybe leave some advice for me and others who feel like this in the comments. If you liked this post, please give it a like. Follow me to see more of what I have to say. My socials are at the top, if you want to talk privately, you can there. 

AwkwardHuman xx

My Fake Instagram


I’ve shared before about how the people at my school were pretty homophobic. Instead of complaining… I thought to myself “I could have some fun with this.” 

So I set up a new Instagram account. I used the gender neutral middle name that I chose for myself (no one at school knows about it) as the name I set it up as. I then gave myself a nice profile photo and a bio and posted some LGBT content…

My main aim for this was to get a few followers, see how people at school responded to an openly LGBT person, and if I got homphobia, to educate them.

After this, I requested to follow a bunch of people from my school. Unfortunately a lot of them are private and not a fan of someone they don’t know claiming to be at their school trying to follow them. How selfish.


Earlier today one of them requested to follow me back. I accepted the request. They evidently took one look at what I had to say, and unfollowed me again. Which I found pretty funny.


I managed to keep hold of a new follower… I got a nice message saying “oi, who are ya mate?”


I just woke up to find that the person sent another message saying “fucking answer”. I also had a message request saying “who runs this account?”

I think overall this experiment didn’t work. No one seemed that interested in the account except a couple of people who I think were in the younger years and they just wanted to know who I was.

I guess that could be seen as a positive because their first instinct wasn’t to go and hate on me, but I was at least hoping to be able to go and laugh at the little shitheads.

I have now basically closed down the account and have decided there probably won’t be another post of these types because the effort to get a single follower wasn’t worth the results.

I hope that you enjoyed this post and if you did, please give it a like. Follow me if you want to see more of what I have to say. My actual socials are linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

How National Coming Out Day went for me


This week on Wednesday it was National Coming Out day. I’d say it’s one of my favourite days in the year (I don’t actually know why, I just do). 

For the last two years I’ve set myself the challenge of opening the closet door that little bit further and coming out to someone.

I also did wear the entire rainbow, but no one noticed because it was all in small things (bright coloured suits are banned in my sixth form). 

Anyway, this year I came out to a friend who is pretty close to me. I sent this person (and a couple of others) a video of me kicking my closet door open, along with the Snapchat filter for national coming out day and some rainbows. I only sent this to people who I had come out to about my sexuality to.

This person then came out to me as bisexual. Which was great. And I am so proud of this person for feeling confident enough to come out to me.

Then I realised… I hadn’t said I was agender to this person. So while they were doing the whole thing of “please don’t tell anyone else” I just said (roughly) I’ve kept a lot of secrets. You know that. Then in the next message (very shortened): I don’t think I mentioned I’m agender.
As with when I told my friend B, it somehow failed to surprise.

I just wanted to share this story with the people of the internet. I hope National Coming Out Day went well for any of you if you decided to come out to anyone. 

If you enjoyed this post, give it a like. Please feel free to leave your stories in the comments below. If you want to see more of what I have to say, follow me. My socials are also linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

My New School Is Very Homophobic


By the time this post goes online it will be October. Which means I have been at sixth form for a month. I’d say that I can now give an honest view of how I’m feeling about things.

First… Well, I couldn’t wait to never have to do English again (other than the blog). Guess which idiot is resitting? Yes. I am. I got a 5 in language, while I don’t have to resit, it’s a good idea for me to for vet school.

Also… The people. One, I don’t like a lot of them. I am really struggling to find anything in common with anyone. Don’t throw the “you’ll find some friends, try some other people,” there twelve people in my year. And two, their gaydars are very broken. I love being in the closet.

While I’m on the subject of the LGBT, I don’t think I’ve ever been in such a homophobic school. In classrooms on desks there are homophobic things written in plain sight. I’ve seen things like “fuck off you faggot” written, and that doesn’t offend me personally, because I am very difficult to offend, it is extremely offensive. My brother was telling me the other day he’d had a conversation where someone had made a gay comment in English, the teacher had said “what’s wrong with being gay”. The general class opinion was it was wrong and disgusting. The fact I am in a school with people who think that, is disgusting.

In terms of the subjects I’ve chosen… I’ve fucked up every chemistry practicle so far. In the first one, I sent the whole thing for a flight. In the second I overfilled my solution for a titration. And in the most recent one, I spilt a load of acid then smashed a beaker. Biology, yeah that’s fine. Maths is fine. Then there’s further maths. I don’t know how or why I let myself get talked into doing that.

The school itself has some weird rules. We aren’t allowed to leave a room without wearing a blazer/jacket. At the start of assembley we all have to stand for the headteacher to come in… What the actual fuck.

The headteacher reminds me of Donald Trump in a creepy way (only in appearance). He is a bit weird in just the way he is and he isn’t particularly popular with students.

Other than all of that… Yeah, sixth form is great. I would seriously appreciate any advice on how I could possibly challenge homophobia/ anti-LGBT opinions in general without having to come out of the closet.

I hope you enjoyed this little update, if you did please give it a like. Please feel free to leave me some advice in the comments. If you want to see more of what I have to say, follow me. My socials are, as always, linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

Coming To Terms With Yourself/ Coming Out


You are probably aware that I spend too much time on the internet. This is really the product of that. A lot of people (when I say that I mean a large precentage of people who talk to me) ask me about how I knew I was bisexual and/or agender, or say they think they may be [insert gender/sexuality].

And I just want to make a post with some advice for people who don’t ask. I wasn’t confident enough to ask for advice, I only used existing help on the internet. I guess I want to contribute to that. Since yesterday was Bi Visibility Day, I figured that now would be the best time to publish this post. I’m going to say now though, I don’t know everything.

In terms of figuring things out, I’d say don’t feel as if you have to label yourself. I spent quite a while knowing I wasn’t female, without knowing what I was. I get that sometimes you want to be able to label yourself, for the sake of finding similar people, but don’t feel you have to.

Find a label you are comfortable with. The main label I am not comfortable with, would be lesbian. Sometimes if I want to be specific I will say I’m pansexual, most of the time I will say I’m bisexual. Occasionally I will just say I’m gay (not often, normally that’s just when I’m politely trying to get some guy away from me, doesn’t happen often).

I’d also say, regardless of how you identify and what people say, it’s ok. For every piece of hate I get, I get so much more support.

I know that this next piece of advice is what everyone says, but don’t feel you have to come out until you are ready. There are few people who I am out to as bisexual, and even fewer as agender.

In terms of coming out, I like to use things like the Clash Of Clans global chat to come out to strangers. It probably sounds weird, but I think it made it easier for me to actually come out to people. I found it good because a lot of the time, the people were like “ok cool”. You never have to see the people, and you won’t talk to them again.

Being in the closet is shit. Anyone would tell you that. I find it easier to be in the closet with my sexuality than my gender. I guess because your gender is something that comes up every time someone uses pronouns you don’t want to hear. If you find you have to stay in the closet, like I do, you have to be aware of this.

They say right after you come out of the closet is pretty shit. But in the long run, you get to be yourself and a lot happier. From coming out to the few people I have come out to, I was happier for coming out.

I hope that this post has been helpful to you if you are trying to figure out who you are, or are thinking of coming out. If you would like to talk, I always try to help as best as I can and my socials are linked above, feel free to DM me. There are also a number of support things around if you know where to look.

If you enjoyed this post, let me know by liking it, maybe leave me a nice comment with your own experiences. If you want to see more of what I have to say, please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx

The Way I See Gender


This is a basic analogy. It is not written to offend or exclude anyone. I am not an expert, and I do not know everything about gender, so I am sorry in advance if you do not agree with what I have to say.

I always find it interesting how people see gender differently. Some people (who need to open their minds) see it as two colours, take pink and blue, the classically gendered colours. You are either one or the other.

Some just deny the existence of gender, they say it is an idea that is put into our heads by other people who like to stereotype.

The way I see it, gender is a colour spectrum like light.

You have the primary colours- red, green and blue, representing male and female, the two genders most people are born as and how a fair majority identify. In more simple words, it represents cisgender people.

Between that you have colours like purple and yellow. I like to say that these represent some of the non-binary genders, for example bigender, and maybe transgender people.

Not shown on the diagram, there is white. In light, this is a mixture of all colours, I see this to represent identities such as gender fluid.

Also not shown on the diagram is black, the abscence of light, and also gender, representing identities like agender. Not a colour, but you can’t deny it’s existence.

The line spectrum analogy means you aren’t closer to being one gender or another. Say you were to try to place male and female, where do you put them? Where does one colour start and end? And also, take into account, this diagram keeps repeating. Every time you reach violet, it goes back to red.

I hope you liked this perception of gender. Please give it a like if you did, feel free to comment with your suggestions of how you see gender. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me, my socials are also linked below.

AwkwardHuman xx

Coming Out. Again.


I’m not going to lie, the last few months have been hard. This isn’t talking about GCSEs, the internet has heard enough about those. 

I’ve been out on the internet as bisexual for quite a long time now, but when Miles McKenna (I think I spelt that right) came out as transgender non-binary I was left questioning my own gender. And recently I’ve managed to come to terms with who I am.

I was bought up with gender stereotypes everywhere. Until around the age of 7 I was a very girly girl. Then came the skirt issue. One day I just decided “I really can’t be bothered with skirts or dresses”. I changed my name to a less feminine version of it (which I actually recently found out was gender neutral). I spent quite a long time wishing I wasn’t female. Since then I’ve just drifted away from the female stereotype more and more. Until the point Miles came out I was just like… Whatever the hell I was, a lot of people would have probably labeled me as a butch female with an attitude problem towards anyone who called me my birth name.

Then a couple of months ago a boy in my year was taking the piss saying “ohhh girly-girl.” I told him to fuck off then he said to me “well you are a girl”. At that point, I began to ask am I?

Not too long later I had an argument with my mum over dress codes. She told me I was a girl, I was expected to dress that way. At that point I left the house because I couldn’t be bothered with her bullshit.

I thought about how I am not happy being associated as female, looking back I always have resented being female. I’m not happy being associated as male either. I just sat outside crying. I don’t really know how long I was there. Over a period of time after that I established what I am.

I am gender-neutral, specifically I identify as agender.  I am also bisexual. I am still also a fucking idiot. My preferred pronouns (feels weird to say this) are they/them. 

I haven’t actually told anyone I know in real life about this yet, and as with me being bisexual my parents will not be finding out until I can support myself. It’s difficult. I hate being female, being stereotyped as female, being told to conform. But that’s how I have to live, in the closet, pretending to be someone I’m not in real life.

I thank you all for your support in allowing me to be me. If you liked this post please like it, feel free to leave me a comment. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me, it means so much to me. I will be regularly blogging again sometime in June.

Love, AkwardHuman xx