I’ve been thinking for a while now. Yes, me thinking is probably a dangerous idea. I’ve been running this blog for over 2 years and in this time, in some aspects I’ve been able to be more truthful with how I am in real life, and in some, it’s almost like I’m a different person.
I struggle to open up. Like, really struggle. In real life, I tend to avoid emotions where possible, I avoid showing a sexuality- if people ask me what I think I tend to literally say “whatever”. Even on this blog, I don’t talk about relationships, well I have none because no one wants to go near the potentially transgender weirdo ( a lot of people think I’m a trans guy and apparantly that’s a turn off, plus I’m just weird anyway). Ignoring that fact, I still refuse to discuss things like who I like with anyone, even my closest friends.
This is mostly because of how bullied I was in year 7 and 8, I was bullied for showing emotion, and I guess I just learnt to shut myself off. Not completely, but enough to protect myself. When I joined a new school in year 9 , I began AwkwardHuman not long afterwards. With the shutting myself off, my emotions would build up and then normally come out as anger.
I figured it was better to open up to about 5 strangers on the internet who don’t actually read my blog than to get angry for “no reason”.
I’m often asked who I really am. The main reason I will refuse to tell anyone is because it only takes one person to recognise my name for everything to come out. If my family were to find out that I’m agender and bisexual (or even just one of those two things), I am at a risk of being kicked out, even if I was allowed to stay, I’m not sure how safe it would be for me to.
I don’t know when I realised just how much I struggle to open up to people about what I really feel. People who know me in real life, they see someone who is pretty confident in themselves and happy to take the piss out of other people. This hides just how underconfident I am.
While I will take the piss out of others, I hide the fact that I go through serious phases of hating who I am. Some days I’m better than others, sometimes I can be there in my head like “I’m agender and stuck in a female body, but hey that’s cool.” Other days I hate that I’m trapped in a female body, I can’t go near a mirror without hating myself. When I have those days, I want to be able to correct people when they use she pronouns, when they use my real name, I want to do anything I can to relieve some of the feeling of being trapped. This has been happening more and more often lately.
There are some days, I want to be able to say to anyone who reads this”hi people, this is my face. My name is [insert name]”. But I know I can’t. I come from one of those places where everyone will know someone you know, it’s the one thing that, at least while I live in the same house as my parents, I can not share with the interent. Every day I want to be able to ask for help, but I can’t, it’s safer and easier for me to suffer in silence.
I hope you are able to have something close to an understanding of what I’m trying to say. I guess I just wanted to get accross that I struggle to open up to people. Opening up is something I want to do so badly, but I guess I’m just too scared to.
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