The (Almost) Complete Truth

Hello!

I’ve been thinking for a while now. Yes, me thinking is probably a dangerous idea. I’ve been running this blog for over 2 years and in this time, in some aspects I’ve been able to be more truthful with how I am in real life, and in some, it’s almost like I’m a different person.

I struggle to open up. Like, really struggle. In real life, I tend to avoid emotions where possible, I avoid showing a sexuality- if people ask me what I think I tend to literally say “whatever”. Even on this blog, I don’t talk about relationships, well I have none because no one wants to go near the potentially transgender weirdo ( a lot of people think I’m a trans guy and apparantly that’s a turn off, plus I’m just weird anyway). Ignoring that fact, I still refuse to discuss things like who I like with anyone, even my closest friends.

This is mostly because of how bullied I was in year 7 and 8, I was bullied for showing emotion, and I guess I just learnt to shut myself off. Not completely, but enough to protect myself. When I joined a new school in year 9 , I began AwkwardHuman not long afterwards. With the shutting myself off, my emotions would build up and then normally come out as anger.

I figured it was better to open up to about 5 strangers on the internet who don’t actually read my blog than to get angry for “no reason”.

I’m often asked who I really am. The main reason I will refuse to tell anyone is because it only takes one person to recognise my name for everything to come out. If my family were to find out that I’m agender and bisexual (or even just one of those two things), I am at a risk of being kicked out, even if I was allowed to stay, I’m not sure how safe it would be for me to.

I don’t know when I realised just how much I struggle to open up to people about what I really feel. People who know me in real life, they see someone who is pretty confident in themselves and happy to take the piss out of other people. This hides just how underconfident I am.

While I will take the piss out of others, I hide the fact that I go through serious phases of hating who I am. Some days I’m better than others, sometimes I can be there in my head like “I’m agender and stuck in a female body, but hey that’s cool.” Other days I hate that I’m trapped in a female body, I can’t go near a mirror without hating myself. When I have those days, I want to be able to correct people when they use she pronouns, when they use my real name, I want to do anything I can to relieve some of the feeling of being trapped. This has been happening more and more often lately.

There are some days, I want to be able to say to anyone who reads this”hi people, this is my face. My name is [insert name]”. But I know I can’t. I come from one of those places where everyone will know someone you know, it’s the one thing that, at least while I live in the same house as my parents, I can not share with the interent. Every day I want to be able to ask for help, but I can’t, it’s safer and easier for me to suffer in silence.

I hope you are able to have something close to an understanding of what I’m trying to say. I guess I just wanted to get accross that I struggle to open up to people. Opening up is something I want to do so badly, but I guess I’m just too scared to.

If you enjoyed this post please give it a like. If you experience similar issues, please leave a comment. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx

Don’t Tell Me To Control My Dog

Hello!

I was walking my dog the other day. I went along one of my regular routes when I came across a guy with a gun. 

It’s not the gun I was bothered about. This bloke rudely came up to me and asked “Do you have permission to be on this land?”

This route doesn’t exactly go through private property, but it’s not exactly a signed footpath. I regularly see the landowners on it and they just smile and wave, everyone walks their dogs here anyway.
Knowing this my answer was “I thought this was public land.” In these situations I generally find it easier to play dumb.

Anyway, this guy then said to me really rudely “Well it isn’t.”

I apologised and he said “Just don’t come near if you see me shooting again.”

This is probably for one of three reasons.

  • He may have genuinely been a nice guy concerned for my safety (not likely.)
  • He didn’t want anyone seeing how much of what he had shot down (I could only see the pigeons and there were a lot of those.)
  • He also didn’t have the landowners permission (highly likely considering how he cleared off pretty quickly.)

However, as he drove off he then said to me “You’re alright at this time of year, but be careful about having your dog off your lead when ground birds are nesting. That’s in the countryside code.”

Firstly, I’ll decide when my dog goes off or on the lead.

Secondly, I literally just googled the countryside code. It only said it must be under effective control. Nothing about the fucking birds.

So excuse me whoever the fuck you were, don’t you go telling me that I shouldn’t be anywhere without permission just so you can go shooting without a problem. (Aren’t you also meant to have signs saying to keep an eye out if you shoot?) 

And about my dog, I decide what to do with her. She was a guide dog. I think she can behave thank you very much. If I want her off the lead, she goes off the lead. So fuck off.

And in conclusion, don’t let people tell you what to do just so they can make their own lives easier.

If you enjoyed this post please like it. Please leave a comment if you have any idea as to which of us was more in the wrong. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me, I normally post at 6pm GMT.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

My School Fucked Up (Bigtime)

Hello!

I am absolutely done with people telling me I can’t do things, underestimating me and telling me what to do. I have had enough of it, full stop.

This week, my headteacher started calling round most of the year telling people they were not allowed to do triple science. While I did not receive this call, the information I was told was no one was allowed to do this. This annoyed me and made me furious because I need triple, and the school are not stopping me. 

My mum came into school. The headteacher was furious she showed up, since if she shows up it’s because something is wrong. My headteachers was extremely defensive and just weird (as per usual) then was trying to seriously encourage me to do double because she evidently does not think I can do it. 

This pissed me off even more. It’s one thing changing my GCSEs without telling me, but basically saying I can’t achieve shit all is an insult.

Then, the next day I went with another person to the extra class for triple science and the deputy head also tried to discourage the pair of us from doing it. No offence to the rest our year and not trying to sound big headed, but if anyone has a chance at succeeding at triple science, it’s us two. 

Thank you very much school. Fuck you. 

Can I take the time to point out how the British education system only cares about statistics? Its stupid. They don’t care about the individual at all. Only about getting 95% A*s or something stupid. 

Personally, I’d much rather fail trying triple than succeed double, this way I get a shot at proving them wrong, if I succeed hello future and if I fail… Well it fucks up their stats. Sounds great to me.

It doesn’t help me that the organisation that run my school are really desperate to prove themselves (this isn’t the government this time). This organisation has been known for bad results in the past and they have seriously screwed up a number of lives. 

This isn’t just my school I’m talking about, there are a few other schools out there run by them which are also pretty shit (names and numbers will not be given). My school is the most recent to open and I really can’t wait for Ofsted to come and have a little chat.

Anyway, I needed to get that out. I’m done ranting about the ‘charitable’ organisation that has done fuck all to run a school. 

Just take one message from this. Don’t let anyone tell you to do something you don’t want to do. You are you’re own boss and it’s you who will have to live with your decisions, so do not ever let anyone make your decisions for you.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Getting Things Out

Hello!

I apologise in advance that this is not a positive post, but I am discussing some very important problems in my life at the moment.

Written January 2nd: Over the last few days I have just been invaded by my family. I got booted out of my room, I had no space and I have not been alone for much longer then bathroom trips really.

I don’t cope well with this. I am a highly independent person who doesn’t cope well with change. When something that I don’t like happens, I won’t react well to it.

As a result of me being kicked out of my room last night, I really didn’t sleep well. Yeah, I lost a couple of hours of sleep. (Big deal right?) For me, this actually is. My sleep pattern is always the absolute minimum I need (6-7 hours per night maximum.) If I get less than this one night, that’s me gone for a number of weeks and in a bad mood for a number of days.

This isn’t helped by medication. For a long time I’ve had a habit of feeling ill, being sick and knocking myself out. I went to the doctors for blood tests. They came back normal. As a last resort they’ve put me on medications with hormones in them. I can’t handle my emotions as well as I used to.

For years my face has been a mask which I don’t let many emotions through. This has been changed and not by my decision and I don’t like that. Stress and anger show so much easier than they used to. I was never a patient person, but I am even more impatient than before.

Half an hour ago, my brother put soap in my hair. I flicked water on him. He slammed me against a wall to punch me. I screamed. I got told off for screaming. I got told to make dinner quickly.

I made dinner, but I kept walking into things and getting annoyed. I got told to stop being stupid. I said I wasn’t being stupid. I got told off for being rude. I said I wasn’t being rude. I got sent to my room.

When I got to my room all hell broke loose and I lost it with my emotions.

I genuinely can’t cope with being around my family. They’re one of these middle class posh families which is so ‘caring’ and the biggest problem is if you’re not married by 30. Then I’m here like fuck classes, I hate people and it is not neccesarily guys I am after thank you very much. Not forgetting dress codes. Just fuck those.

Just the concept of me being around my family is quite a stressful one and I will often find myself having to go for unnecessarily long dog walks. 

I just had to get this out really. That’s a there is to it. If you want to see more of my stuff, it is usually much more positive than this, please feel free to follow me. My socials are also linked at the top of the page if you are not on the WordPress app and they are also at the bottom of this post for all of you.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

I’m Failing

Hello!

This is probably the point where I’m supposed to do a post on the US election result (spoiler alert: I’m not.) As usual, I see my own problems as far more important (they probably aren’t though some advice would be much appreciated.)

Once again, things are getting to much. Since my last complaining school post, my 3rd science teacher since the beginning of my GCSEs has left. I have resorted to teaching myself 3 sciences. I currently have geography and history coursework, sixth forms to look around and grade 3 piano to fail.

All my mum cares about is science and all the time she’s asking me questions. Dinner is endless quizzing then when I don’t know answers and my brother does I get told I’m going to fail my GCSEs and that its not good enough. If my best isn’t good enough, what is?

I genuinely don’t think I can handle this. My grandmother died one month ago and my dad the moment that a revision or gym session gets skipped has a go at me for making excuses as if I’m blaming not having enough time on that. 

I can’t even eat dinner without endless quizzing and when I ask them to stop they only tell me to answer the question and no we can’t be a normal family and have a normal conversation.

I wish you could see my face, I’m hiding in a bathroom crying as I’m writing this because it genuinely is just to much. Did I mention mocks are in 2 weeks? Did now… 

The worst part is they just keep comparing me to my cousins who all got all As and A*s. I’m not them. I’m not a fucking genius. So what if I’m not on a massive payscale when I’m older?

I guess that would just be to embarrassing for my them.

Please follow this blog, my social links are at the top. I’m not usually this complainy/moany. 

Love, AkwardHuman xx

So Apparently I’ve Lost My Freedom Of Speech

Hello!

So a couple of weeks ago, I got told off by my science teacher. No big deal, no one can take him seriously with his monotone voice and his tiny height. He is actually shorter than my friend E, who is pretty short.

So basically, I was talking shit about the school, specifically that science teacher. He overheard. I got taken to one side and told

AkwardHuman you shouldn’t be saying things about the school like that, especially in the corridors where people can hear you. You are a prefect, you should be setting a good example. While I’m here moaning at you, the sarcasm in science is not necessary, it doesn’t help you it doesn’t help anyone else.”

(I did have to edit this for the reason of me being anonymous and I can’t remember exactly what he said, he went on in his monotone voice for another 5 minutes.)

My point is, I don’t care I was getting told off, its that I am being told to monitor what I say for the schools publicity again. I’m pretty sure I live in a country with the freedom of speech.

What the actual fuck. Everyone knows that the schools shit anyway, what’s the difference if I’m being honest? This is so stupid…

Love, AkwardHuman xx

The Unwritten Social Law

Hello!

I’ve always wondered why, especially for girls, it is completely unacceptable to know you’re good at something.

It’s almost as if it’s an unwritten social law. You’re not allowed to know you’re good at something or you are seen as big headed.

My ‘friend’ C is a classic example of this. I’m not joking, she is amazing at sport, yet whenever anyone asks her to do anything for sport she just says “I’m really bad though, I’ll lose.” This isn’t the only example I have. No one ever says “Yes, I think I have a good chance at this.”

Seriously, if you’re good, or even just alright at something, put yourself out there. Don’t care about other peoples opinions. If everyone did this there wouldn’t be a reason for this law to exist.

There really is no need for all of this stupid “but I’m shit” rubbish. If people could recognise their talents, this world would be a much easier place to live in.

I don’t know how many times a day I get told, to “stop being so big headed”. My response is usually “Hey, I’m not being big headed. I am living.” Or “It’s not my head, that’s my hair.” (Depends how sarcastic I’m feeling).

My message is this. Stop putting yourself down and get out there. Whatever it is you’re good at, be it sports, music, art, writing, whatever. Go and do it!

Love, AkwardHuman xx

I Hate my Longest Friend

Hello!

So, I had a pretty shit day. Which means that since my parents are incapable of listening and my dog has now gone to sleep, I am going to rant it off here.

In my school we have 2 science teachers one good, the other not so. We had both of them for a roughly half the lessons each. Until today we found out that we have the bad one for all of our science lessone every single week. Let’s say I was pretty pissed off.

Skip to after school when I had art club. You should all be familiar with my friendship with C (if not, where have you been?) Anyway, she was at art club with her latest friend (who’s actually stuck around for longer than I thought she would). Can I just add, this friend doesn’t even take art so she had no business to be there in the first place.

Anyway, I was in one room doing some work, they were in the other, not doing any, listening to music and singing (it’s common knowledge that this friend can not sing). I got a bit fed up but stayed quiet. They then came into the room I was in, started playing on those chairs with wheels and screaming, and shouting (singing inbetween). I was getting very annoyed by this point.

Then they came to the corner I was in, leaned over me, stuck their fingers in the wax pot I was using (I was doing batik), screamed because it was to hot. I went to see if our teacher had made an appearance (he hadn’t). Without my knowledge, they had turned my wax pot off while my back was turned.

They walked off so I started my final piece (which was going to be a parrot with loads of jungle plants). I started with the wax and realised something was a bit odd (the wax was sitting on the material rather than going in it). Then I realised the wax in the pot was starting to set because it was beginning to cool down.

It didn’t take long to figure out what they had done. They have actually ruined my art project so they could put their finger in some wax. Let’s say it’s a good thing they had run off or there would be a pair of dead bodies in the art room at my school.

Not only that but just all day C has been pretty insensitive. She knows that one of my closest friends is a lesbian so she said to me “it’s a bit weird isn’t it? I never thought anyone in our school would turn out like that“. Bitch. I know she doesn’t know but I’m bi. And even then, she knows I’m pretty good friends with her.

Sometimes I really do hate C. Really. She is the worst friend. Whenever her latest friend is around, it’s like I’m invisible but the moment her friends are busy or away, I’m her best friend again and it’s like the old days. The only reason I stick with her is our parents are friends and it’s going to be pretty awkward if their friends and we aren’t. I am her longest friend, and probably the only one that she’s had longer than 18 months (though I am impressed, usually they last 1 year before she gets bored with them).

So after art club, I went home to have dinner. Then my mum started arguing with me because she had an issue with where I sat to do my homework. Wow mum? Really? She was going out anyway. Why does it matter?! Reluctantly, I backed down after pretty much losing my hearing. I moved back where I was the moment she left.

So that was just fucking great. Oh, did I mention I have a cold? And since I have adenoids, it’s twice as worse than anyone else’s colds. I look like a drug addict at lunch with my piles of boxes of cold relief tablets (ok so it’s not piles but you get the picture). I get some really dodgey looks.

Yep. Rant done.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Twitter & Instagram: @akwardhumanblog
Wattpad: @AkwardHumanBlog

Don’t mess with popular kids.

Hello!

My school is one of those really weird schools with teachers that think the school is higher than it is (sort of like posh people). Which means that we have prefects. Guess who’s parents made them sign up to be one. Yeah.

It sucks. We have to do duties at lunch. You know how the teachers walk around and tell you to get out even though it’s bloody freezing outside. That’s our job instead. And the teachers sit in the staffroom drinking coffee. Occassionally they send someone out to check we’re doing our jobs.

Today, some kids decided to go running around playing hide and seek in the building, through where I was on duty. (Seriously, how old are we???) After a couple of times, I got annoyed. I asked them to take it outside. They payed no attention. Next time I saw them, I said if I saw them again, I would be reporting them.

Guess what? While for most people this would be enough. It wasn’t for them. So they ran through again. At the end of lunch, I tracked down our deputy head (not hard, he’s pretty easy to spot). And they were talking to him.

World’s most stupid mistake, when they were done, I clearly heard one of them say “Don’t listen to anything she says, it’s not true”. Bitch. I have witnesses.

He believed me, obviously. After someone say that, it’s pretty obvious.

Unfortunately, they are the most popular kids in school. Guess who’s now most hated. If you guessed me, well done.

That’s the problem with schools. There’s always the popular ones, who are pretty much untouchable (until today). The nerds, who everyone picks on. Then there’s the ones that fall into no category, which would be the 6 of us in my bunch of friends. We fall halfway between. We know when to pay attention and how to be idiots.

Anyway, the popular ones pick on the others and you make a move against them, you are dead. Or may as well be. So that is something to look forward to. Schools in the UK are pretty shit places to be. Basically, you say/do the wrong thing to the wrong people, good luck with surviving to be an adult.

This is the next day by the way
I walked into school today and I could see them glaring at me. If looks could kill, I’d be dead several times over. And great move right here. In PE we played handball, so I accidentally threw a ball at one of their heads (was genuinely an accident). Her response was so out of order. (My name) you fucking cow. No jokes. Out of order. Pretty funny though.

Rant/moan over.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Twitter&Instagram: @akwardhumanblog
Wattpad: @AkwardHumanBlog

That Awkward Moment

Hello!

I am socially awkward. That’s common knowledge. I seriously struggle in social situations (like Dan Howell), which is why I call myself AkwardHuman.

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Whenever we have people over, my parents always tell me what not to say, I’m left there not knowing what I can say.

Quite often, I’m introduced to someone. I do the whole thing of “Hi my name is… You are?… And how are you?”. Then we get left with that awkward silence. I try to think of something intelligent to say and whoever I’m talking to is probably trying to translate whatever I say into formal English.

I never really know what to do at this point. Think for to long, they talk to someone else and you’rd left standing there like an idiot. Don’t think at all and firstly, if they had something to say it is classed as interrupting and secondly, I usually say something stupid.

I don’t know how many times this has happened. In the last year I can’t count how many times this has happened. The most notable occasion was the time I first met L. That was properly awkward. She probably still thinks I’m a complete weirdo. (Thinks?? I am a complete weirdo… Knows may be a better word).

Someone. Help. Me. Please. Seriously, if anyone has tips to avoid awkward silences. Share them with me please. Or just give me list of things normal people talk about.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Twitter & Instagram: @akwardhumanblog