My Advice For Blogging

Hello!

Well… I’ve been on WordPress for 2 years now. I actually don’t know where the time has gone, however regardless, I have learnt a lot over the last 2 years, so I decided I would share my advice for blogging with you, since advice is one of the few things in life that is free (well my advice is anyway, mostly because no one values it.) Anyway, here is my advice:

1. Don’t. Seriously, don’t blog. Something like 93% of what you try to say is conveyed through body language. If you can do maths, that means only 7% of my message actually gets through. Vlogging is probably a better option. However, if you are adament you want to blog, read on.

2. Social Media Is Your Friend. Social media is a great way to get followers, most of the few people who follow me found me through social media. It also allows you to connect with them in a better way than just the 1 post per week.

3. Choose Your Platform. I started off with both WordPress and Blogspot (my first two posts are on there). I ruled out Tumblr because too many people I know use it, I preferred WordPress because the Android app is really easy to uses, whichever platform you choose, there are loads of free ones out there to choose from, don’t feel you have to pay to selfhost, I personally don’t see the point.

Please do not read these, they are possibly the worst two posts I ever wrote, they are also on WordPress, can I also point out that its entertaining I started this blog when I was ill. Oh and look, I’m also ill as I write this post too.

4. Pictures. My posts including pictures tend to get more views than ones without, this also makes it easier for people to read.

5. Don’t post for no reason. Not only is it a waste of your time making posts every day for the sake of it (once upon a time I did this) but it pisses your followers of, on WordPress they get an email EVERY TIME YOU POST. I don’t like my inboxes getting clogged up with pointless stuff.

6. Break Up your Post. Personally I love lists, bullet points, like this, I find it much less intimidating than a giant block of text.

7. There is no point copying other people. I don’t follow many other bloggers. Not only because I don’t have time, but also because otherwise I am influenced, any ideas I have are my ideas unless otherwise stated. I don’t want to be like someone else and to be honest, if I was being like someone else the few people who read this (hello) may as well go somewhere else.

So that is my advice. Not that anyone values it but anyway. My two years on this blog have been so amazing and I’ve just found myself being able to be so much more positive, I’ve been able to connect with some amazing people and I’ve been able to come to terms with who I am much better.

To the few people who bother to read what I have to say regularly, thank you. Every like, every comment means so much to me. Every follow means even more (if that’s possible). So thank you again.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

How To Survive Family Occasions

Hello!

I really dislike my extended family, so when we all are forced to meet, it is very difficult for me, my dad and my brother. So, I have put together a guide on how to survive these gatherings.

1. Outfit. If you are a girl, it is likely you will be made to wear a dress. I hate dresses. The thing here is make sure you are comfortable. So, without anyone elses knowledge, I put a pair of cut off leggings (really good idea actually) under it.

2. Do little things that make you feel a little better. I was expected to be a proper girly girl (please no) so my mum said I had to do my nails because they are bad and wear some jewellery (so impractical.) When this happened, I put on a horse necklace and I did nail art on my nails (I had an Axwell/\Ingrosso symbol, a Martin Garrix symbol, an Avicii symbol and the Zedd symbol.)

3. Take a break. I took a number of “toilet” breaks where in reality I was actually going out to swear and insult everyone behind their backs. This meant I wasn’t doing it to peoples faces or in front of my mum so everyone was happy.

4. Take a very small stress ball. I didn’t do this, however, I found myself using my own fist as a stress ball (I wouldn’t reccomend this, I am fairly strong when I’m annoyed). Take a very small one so no one else can see it though. 

5. If you can choose where you sit, choose wisely. I ended up near my dad so we could pull bored faces at each other and one of my uncles who isn’t as bad. However, I also ended up near my mum’s cousin who is the worst and her daughter who is 5 and so spoilt.

6. Always use food as a decoy. Fortunately, we had a sit down meal, so for pretty much the entire starter and dessert, the conversation stopped and for the first 5 minutes of the main course. If it isn’t a sit down meal and it’s a buffet or nibbles, my favourite thing is to say “oh, have you tried… [Name food dish] it’s really good.” 9/10 success rate.

7. Remember that it will be over by the end of the day. All that kept me going was the thought that at around 5 we could leave and go home and put my jeans back on.

8. Sunglasses. If it is summer and go outside, wear sunglasses. This way if you point your face in the general direction of the person you talk to, you don’t actually have to have eye contact. You can also roll your eyes as much as you want.

I hope this guide helps you at family occasions. If you are in a position where you’re parents won’t murder you for leaving, you can also play a game called hide and go home. Basically hide and seek but instead of hiding you get an uber and go home. 2 good sides- you win and get to go home.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

I Punched A 5 Year Old

Hello!

My mum has a tendency to invite people who I really do not like over to my house and make me try to be nice to them. What a mistake. Yesterday she invited over her cousin and her children.

I hate children. See where this could be heading? They have 4 children. The oldest is 11 and is alright. The other 3 are a bunch of brats. Especially the youngest.

So we met up with them, went for a walk near our house, which sort of gave me the upper hand (the children are “so perfect” apparently.) We walked near to where L works. Gave me a) an opportunity to boast and b) and opportunity to find L.

When we got back, my mum bought them into the kitchen, gave them some cupcakes which I made and she then went in to let them ruin them with sprinkles. Which I wasn’t impressed with. They went on to scoff the lot, except about 6 which I had stashed before we left.

Then the 5 year old demanded that I show her around all of the animals. When I showed her the rabbits, I said she could go in if she promised not to chase them. She said in her stupid irritating 5 year old voice “I won’t chase them”. So she went in and chased them. Please note, I have no patience with children, especially ones that don’t bloody listen.

Then she demanded that I take her into the playroom. And she messed the whole thing up. Fortunately, my brother showed up with the other 3 and saved me. This gave me an excuse to escape and go on the Wii with the boys.

However, it is the lesser of 2 evils because the second oldest of the boys is a complete nerd and the most ‘perfect’ of them all. And I was told to keep my language clean. So the word ‘schei├če’ was used a lot.

When they left (yay) we had this issue of the 5 year old would not let go of me or my brothers legs.

Then, my mum told me off for not being particularly good with children. Hello, excuse me, I didn’t punch any of them this time. (True story. I did once punch a toddler, (this was when I was 8 or 9) because it annoyed me so much… Am I a bad person???) And I’m not allowed to go riding this week. Unfair.

Please, take my advice: If you have relatives who you can’t stand and stressy parents, FIND A WAY OUT OF IT. If this is not possible, either play a fun game where you see how sarcastic you can be or learn how to swear in German.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

I Do Not Learn

Hello!

I am pretty bad at challenging the popular kids who go around thinking they are in charge. I made this clear in a previous post.

Since that post, I have made similar mistakes twice. I am a fucking genius.

So mistake number 1 was not long after the post. I swore at one of the main people involved. Twice. Yeah, ok, I’m not particularly popular. Big deal.

Mistake 2, someone destroyed a door in our locker area. So I reported the whole lot of boys involved. And they were popular. So the next day I had to do a very good job of hiding from them because someone tipped me off that they were out looking for me. Fun times.

I really do not learn.

In other news, I am currently on a school trip. ON A SATURDAY. Whichever fucking genius came up with that idea deserves to be hung. By my school tie.

I’m not a happy person.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Twitter & Instagram: @akwardhumanblog
Wattpad: @AkwardHumanBlog

Things I Would Tell My 7 Year Old Self

Hello!

I don’t have regrets in my life. If I hadn’t done everything I have done, I wouldn’t be where I am now… Actually, about that… Anyway, there are a few things I would tell my younger self.

1. Some day soon, you will go to a private school where you aren’t posh enough to actually fit in. There is also a really tall girl who is a complete bitch. Stay away from her. One day she will lock you in your own barn.

2. You’re best friend C turns out to be a shallow, homophobic, very fickle person. You can do far better than her.

3. Soon, your mum will make you go to swimming lessons every week. She won’t let you quit. Swear at the teachers more often, she might let you quit before you start year 10.

4. You aren’t actually scared of heights, the idea of them scares you, just actually go climbing.

5. When you are thirteen, you meet a really nice shepherd, L. Try not to be too much of a pain in the arse, and try not to be really socially awkward when you meet her because that was really awkward. Also, getting a chainsaw out at 9am on a Sunday morning is not advisavble, while both of you may not see the issue with this, apparently other people do sleep.

6. Look after your hair. Yes it’s horrible and greasy now as a seven year old, but when you’re around nine, it will go really big, it’s difficult to control.

7. Block your brother on instagram when he eventually gets it. He will be a really creepy stalker and tell your parents when you are online and shouldn’t be.

8. Don’t be afraid to be who you are.

9. One day you will stumble accross ThatcherJoe’s youtube channel. This will lead you on to many other youtube channels, of course, when you stumble accross this land, it’s fine, however… It will also cause you to start procrastinating. Don’t.

10. It’s not normal to be the only teenager who gets up at 7am inclusive of weekends and holidays. Apparently you shouldn’t announce it because it makes everyone feel bad about how little they actually do with their lives.

Some rather random advice to my seven year old self. But I have a feeling it would have made my life easier.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Twitter & Instagram: @akwardhumanblog
Wattpad: @AkwardHumanBlog

I am a Puppet

Hello!

I am a puppet. Not like people attatch strings to me and make my arms move. More like, I get told what to say alot.

At school my conversation is something like:
Visitor: So AkwardHuman you’ve been here for 2 years?
Me: Yeah…
Visitor: And what do you think of the school
Me: It’s great… (In reality it’s shit and my headteacher told me what to say).

And then…. There’s when my mum drags me into a church. A church. Great idea mum, take your bisexual daughter to a church where if by some chance there is something out there, SHE WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED. So it goes something like this.
Me: blah blah blah, Jesus is great…
Religous person: That was a great service, wasn’t it?
Me: Yeah, it was…
Please note, I am not religous at all. I get told what to say and threatened by my mum to behave or else.

I hate being a puppet. Especially considering my new years resolutions (one of them was to be myself more).

MY ADVICE: DON’T SAY ANYTHING YOU DON’T MEAN, IT’S EASIER TO SAY WHAT YOU THINK/ THE TRUTH.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

How To Survive School

Hello!

I wrote this a couple of days ago after watching Sprinkle Of Glitter’s video on school tips. So I decided to give you some of my own advice.

It’s September, so alot of us are going back to school (including me. I am suffering with you). Last year, I didn’t do a great job of trying to survive so to help you do better than I did, I thought I would give you some advice and tell you what not to do.

1. Make an effort with your classmates. Most years, none of our year bother with each other, which is fine until you really need help from that kid who’s great at maths but hates your guts. Try to get them to like you. They don’t have to be your best friend just don’t make them hate you.

2. Be organised. I am a disorganised person. The only reason anything gets done is because my mum nags me. By organised I don’t mean you need to have binders for every subject or anything, but make sure you don’t crumple your work and you actually do it.

3. Get the balance right. No one likes really nerdy people but equally you won’t get anywhere if you muck around all the time. Face the fact, you are stuck in education until your 18 in the UK. May as well get something to show for it. I’m not saying you have to be a complete nerd but get the balance. Do the work to a decent standard but don’t be really nerdy (there are some kids that walk round school reciting periodic table.) It’s a fine line.

4. Be confident. Especially if your new, you are going to get picked on if you are that shy loner. Get in with a bunch of people you like and that like you. I have plenty of experience here, don’t be that loner.

5. Don’t draw attention to yourself. Sort of self eplanetory. We got caught playing Cards Against Humanity a couple of times. It got us alot of unwanted attention from teachers and other kids. Do not play this game. Especially at school.

6. Don’t go around editing photos of your headteacher and leaving your phone unlocked. That actually happened to one of my friends. They weren’t impressed. And they got in ALOT of trouble. Sort of links in to number 5.

7. Do the best you can so you can do whatever it is you want to do. Alot of people think the saying you can be whatever you want uf you put your mind to it is rubbish. It’s not. I know alot of people, not particularly smart but they worked. And they did well.

That’s some pretty bad advice but however, if you follow it you may cope better than I did.

AkwardHuman xx

Well That Failed

Hello Best Friends!

I am well known in my school for being that person where nothing ever goes right. Just to prove that, a while back, I was asked to perform in assembelly. Every single week I bought my music and they forgot to call me out and every single week they said we’ll remember next week.

I forgot my music this week. They called me out. Which is a fail in it’s self. I told them I’d forgotten it. They said I had to do it anyway because they had moved a piano for me and they know that I have a piece memorized.

But, the bigger fail then that was I mucked up in front of the whole school and it was pretty obvious as well. The worst part is, my headteacher can play the piece that I played as well so let’s say it was even more obvious to her.

Embarassing.

Anyway, I have now finished admitting my failure so I have some advice (which could be a failure in it’s self):
1. If you are asked to do something in assembelly, don’t
2. Should you have no choice, do something that won’t be obvious if you fail or play something that no one has ever heard of before.
3. Perform at the back not the front so no one can see your facial expression.
4. Always remember your music/notes.

Hope it helped!

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Why you should be happy

Hello Best Friends!

During my exams, I got a bit bored. So I came up with a list of why you should be happy.

1. Joe Sugg and youtube exists

2. Horses exist

3. You never know what will happen tomorrow.

4. Your future is whatever you want it to be.

5. Free wifi is real.

See if you agree with this list, let me know in the comments.

Love, AkwardHuman xx

Dealing with Stress

I stress out a lot. I was stressing earlier today. Most people stress when they’re nervous. I stress over little things.

For example, today I was stressing because I didn’t know if V was coming to netball training. I stress over anything. And I know it’s not good to stress as much as I do.

So I have a number of ways of dealing with stress. I have ways of distracting myself, I also have ways of relaxing myself

I’ll start with the distractions. These are easier to do when out and about. Watching youtube videos is a good way of distracting yourself and it helps to relax you a bit. Also, reading is a good thing to do (but don’t read anything realistic, depressing or hard hitting, it doesn’t work) especially if you have no wifi.

Or, you can use a relaxer, which are more effective. These aren’t so easy to do out and about, which is the only problem. The first is to have a hot bath with lots of bubbles (if you can get the relaxing ones, even better, I know it’s in your head the relaxy thing but it works). The second is to workout. Go to the gym. I’m not a fitness freak but it is scientifically proven to work to help relieve stress. My final stress tip is to do what makes you happy, whether it’s horseriding, sport, shopping or anything else, do it.

Those are my tips for dealing with stress. What do you do to help with stress? I would love to know for next time I’m stressed. Please, let me know in the comments.

Love, AkwardHuman xx