How National Coming Out Day went for me

Hello!

This week on Wednesday it was National Coming Out day. I’d say it’s one of my favourite days in the year (I don’t actually know why, I just do). 

For the last two years I’ve set myself the challenge of opening the closet door that little bit further and coming out to someone.

I also did wear the entire rainbow, but no one noticed because it was all in small things (bright coloured suits are banned in my sixth form). 

Anyway, this year I came out to a friend who is pretty close to me. I sent this person (and a couple of others) a video of me kicking my closet door open, along with the Snapchat filter for national coming out day and some rainbows. I only sent this to people who I had come out to about my sexuality to.

This person then came out to me as bisexual. Which was great. And I am so proud of this person for feeling confident enough to come out to me.

Then I realised… I hadn’t said I was agender to this person. So while they were doing the whole thing of “please don’t tell anyone else” I just said (roughly) I’ve kept a lot of secrets. You know that. Then in the next message (very shortened): I don’t think I mentioned I’m agender.
As with when I told my friend B, it somehow failed to surprise.

I just wanted to share this story with the people of the internet. I hope National Coming Out Day went well for any of you if you decided to come out to anyone. 

If you enjoyed this post, give it a like. Please feel free to leave your stories in the comments below. If you want to see more of what I have to say, follow me. My socials are also linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

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Why I’ve Gone Off Youtube

Hello!

For a long time, I had no life (to be homest, I still don’t). I spent my days wasting away watching various YouTubers and desperately trying to get noticed.

In the last 6months/year this hasn’t happened so much because I’ve been so busy and I found this little thing called EDM. Going back to YouTube and its fans… I kind of realised how crap it is.

I guess you can only watch so many people getting pranked by Joe Sugg, favourites videos by beauty vloggers, baking tutorials of stuff you know you will never make and the endless fucking Q+A’s. Yes, I still watch the occasional video, but I’d say I spend less than 10 minutes a week doing this now as opposed to half of my day (well, night technically, but that’s another story).

As well as this, I just find EDM fans a lot easier to follow, they’re less “turning everything they see into evidence of a theory” (hello Dan Howell and Phil Lester fans) and more passionate about something that I really love, I tend to find I have more in common with them (I’m not saying I haven’t found some really amazing friends through youtube).

However my biggest problem with YouTubers (it isn’t Jack Maynard or Marcus Butler, although both of them do annoy me) is the lack of interaction with their fans. By all means, give me the arguement of they have so many people following them they won’t ever respond to everyone. Whatever.

The bottom line is, I spent probably 2 years trying to get anyone’s attention in the YouTube world. In 6 months I can give you a pretty fucking long list of DJs that have noticed me. If you would like a copy of that list, feel free to contact me, I would be happy to share that with you, that list includes some big names. The list of youtubers that have payed me any attention? Oh yeah, zero.

These are people who are payed to be on the internet and are supposedly known for their “great relationship with their viewers”. I’m putting it out there, DJs are not primarily people who sit on the internet, they have a hectic schedule and they still have time for their fans online.

So as a conclusion to this post, I’m just going to say it. EDM is the hell of a better place to be a fan than YouTube. And yes, it was YouTubers who made me want to start this blog, doesn’t mean that a) I can’t evolve and change my opinion and b) I can’t hate them.

If you enjoyed this piss take then please give this post a like or a comment. If you want to see more of my ramblings then feel free to follow me. My socials are also liked at the top of this page if you are not using the WordPress reader.

AwkwardHuman xx

My New School Is Very Homophobic

Hello!

By the time this post goes online it will be October. Which means I have been at sixth form for a month. I’d say that I can now give an honest view of how I’m feeling about things.

First… Well, I couldn’t wait to never have to do English again (other than the blog). Guess which idiot is resitting? Yes. I am. I got a 5 in language, while I don’t have to resit, it’s a good idea for me to for vet school.

Also… The people. One, I don’t like a lot of them. I am really struggling to find anything in common with anyone. Don’t throw the “you’ll find some friends, try some other people,” there twelve people in my year. And two, their gaydars are very broken. I love being in the closet.

While I’m on the subject of the LGBT, I don’t think I’ve ever been in such a homophobic school. In classrooms on desks there are homophobic things written in plain sight. I’ve seen things like “fuck off you faggot” written, and that doesn’t offend me personally, because I am very difficult to offend, it is extremely offensive. My brother was telling me the other day he’d had a conversation where someone had made a gay comment in English, the teacher had said “what’s wrong with being gay”. The general class opinion was it was wrong and disgusting. The fact I am in a school with people who think that, is disgusting.

In terms of the subjects I’ve chosen… I’ve fucked up every chemistry practicle so far. In the first one, I sent the whole thing for a flight. In the second I overfilled my solution for a titration. And in the most recent one, I spilt a load of acid then smashed a beaker. Biology, yeah that’s fine. Maths is fine. Then there’s further maths. I don’t know how or why I let myself get talked into doing that.

The school itself has some weird rules. We aren’t allowed to leave a room without wearing a blazer/jacket. At the start of assembley we all have to stand for the headteacher to come in… What the actual fuck.

The headteacher reminds me of Donald Trump in a creepy way (only in appearance). He is a bit weird in just the way he is and he isn’t particularly popular with students.

Other than all of that… Yeah, sixth form is great. I would seriously appreciate any advice on how I could possibly challenge homophobia/ anti-LGBT opinions in general without having to come out of the closet.

I hope you enjoyed this little update, if you did please give it a like. Please feel free to leave me some advice in the comments. If you want to see more of what I have to say, follow me. My socials are, as always, linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

Coming To Terms With Yourself/ Coming Out

Hello!

You are probably aware that I spend too much time on the internet. This is really the product of that. A lot of people (when I say that I mean a large precentage of people who talk to me) ask me about how I knew I was bisexual and/or agender, or say they think they may be [insert gender/sexuality].

And I just want to make a post with some advice for people who don’t ask. I wasn’t confident enough to ask for advice, I only used existing help on the internet. I guess I want to contribute to that. Since yesterday was Bi Visibility Day, I figured that now would be the best time to publish this post. I’m going to say now though, I don’t know everything.

In terms of figuring things out, I’d say don’t feel as if you have to label yourself. I spent quite a while knowing I wasn’t female, without knowing what I was. I get that sometimes you want to be able to label yourself, for the sake of finding similar people, but don’t feel you have to.

Find a label you are comfortable with. The main label I am not comfortable with, would be lesbian. Sometimes if I want to be specific I will say I’m pansexual, most of the time I will say I’m bisexual. Occasionally I will just say I’m gay (not often, normally that’s just when I’m politely trying to get some guy away from me, doesn’t happen often).

I’d also say, regardless of how you identify and what people say, it’s ok. For every piece of hate I get, I get so much more support.

I know that this next piece of advice is what everyone says, but don’t feel you have to come out until you are ready. There are few people who I am out to as bisexual, and even fewer as agender.

In terms of coming out, I like to use things like the Clash Of Clans global chat to come out to strangers. It probably sounds weird, but I think it made it easier for me to actually come out to people. I found it good because a lot of the time, the people were like “ok cool”. You never have to see the people, and you won’t talk to them again.

Being in the closet is shit. Anyone would tell you that. I find it easier to be in the closet with my sexuality than my gender. I guess because your gender is something that comes up every time someone uses pronouns you don’t want to hear. If you find you have to stay in the closet, like I do, you have to be aware of this.

They say right after you come out of the closet is pretty shit. But in the long run, you get to be yourself and a lot happier. From coming out to the few people I have come out to, I was happier for coming out.

I hope that this post has been helpful to you if you are trying to figure out who you are, or are thinking of coming out. If you would like to talk, I always try to help as best as I can and my socials are linked above, feel free to DM me. There are also a number of support things around if you know where to look.

If you enjoyed this post, let me know by liking it, maybe leave me a nice comment with your own experiences. If you want to see more of what I have to say, please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx

Why I Hate Chart Music

Hello!

Fact: I hate most of the music in the charts. Feel free to kill me. Whatever, I actually don’t care.

But I have a point with this. Especially in the area that I live, you are limited to a few radio stations, which have the same few songs in repeat. So what may have once been a decent song, gradually annoys you more and more.

Then, when you hated a song to start off with… It slowly drives you to insanity (well, not quite, but it makes you crazy.) I’m talking about overplayed songs like Despacito, I don’t think I have a day without hearing it at least 3 times.

Putting that fact aside… Some of the songs are also just plain shit. Charli xcx’s song Boys… Come on. That must have taken all of 5 minutes to write. It’s just the fact that the lyrics are repetitive and there isn’t really a decent melody.

I’m going to put it out there, the radio murders some songs. I heard a version of Adele’s Hello that had been completely butchered by one station. Anything by Adele, is meant to be pretty raw (would that be the right word?) The song is about the lyrics and her voice. A beat in the background and trying to make it EDM, doesn’t work, and that’s coming from someone who spends their whole life listening to EDM.

I get that the charts are a reflection of what people are listening to, but when Ed Sheeran’s entire album features in something stupid like all of the top 16… People, get some variety!

I’d say my biggest single issue is DJ Khaled. I never could take him seriously, especially since he got booted of the stage at EDC Vegas. And there was a good reason for that. DJ Khaled is shit, has no talent whatsoever, and if I was ever to meet him, I would be punching him. And who labels themselves DJ when they don’t DJ?

The bottom line is, the charts are shit. Half of what gets onto the charts is by the same few artists who don’t actually have much talent.

I hope you enjoyed this little piss take, if you did please give it a like, maybe leave a comment. If you want to see more of what I have to say, please follow me. My socials are also linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

The Way I See Gender

Hello!

This is a basic analogy. It is not written to offend or exclude anyone. I am not an expert, and I do not know everything about gender, so I am sorry in advance if you do not agree with what I have to say.

I always find it interesting how people see gender differently. Some people (who need to open their minds) see it as two colours, take pink and blue, the classically gendered colours. You are either one or the other.

Some just deny the existence of gender, they say it is an idea that is put into our heads by other people who like to stereotype.

The way I see it, gender is a colour spectrum like light.

You have the primary colours- red, green and blue, representing male and female, the two genders most people are born as and how a fair majority identify. In more simple words, it represents cisgender people.

Between that you have colours like purple and yellow. I like to say that these represent some of the non-binary genders, for example bigender, and maybe transgender people.

Not shown on the diagram, there is white. In light, this is a mixture of all colours, I see this to represent identities such as gender fluid.

Also not shown on the diagram is black, the abscence of light, and also gender, representing identities like agender. Not a colour, but you can’t deny it’s existence.

The line spectrum analogy means you aren’t closer to being one gender or another. Say you were to try to place male and female, where do you put them? Where does one colour start and end? And also, take into account, this diagram keeps repeating. Every time you reach violet, it goes back to red.

I hope you liked this perception of gender. Please give it a like if you did, feel free to comment with your suggestions of how you see gender. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me, my socials are also linked below.

AwkwardHuman xx

My Big Burghley F*ck Up

Hello!

I went to Burghley Horse Trials, if you follow my Instagram (@awkwardhumanblog), you’d know that. If you know anything about horses, you’d also know that Burghley is kind of a big deal.

So obviously when my aunt and uncle asked if I wanted to go for the Saturday, I said yes.

But, like most things in my life, this didn’t exactly go to plan. When I say that, I mean we fucked up pretty badly. So when my uncle phoned my dad (when we were initially planning to go), my dad was told it was on the August Bank Holidah weekend. My uncle called back and then said it was the first weekend of September.

By this point, August bank holiday weekend was written in the calendar. Some idiot forgot to change this. Because it was written in the calendar, no one questioned it. For months, we’d been talking about a different weekend. Until the Friday of the bank holiday.

Our tickets weren’t here. We were in full panic mode. So we called my aunt and uncle. This was the point where they realised, we had the wrong weekend. Fail. As a result, half of the people we were originally going with, couldn’t come.

When the right weekend eventually arrived, I was fully expecting everything to go wrong. Turns out I was wrong about things going wrong.

It was an amazing day, and my biggest problem was that I really could have used a second battery for my camera.

More photos are on my Instagram.

We sat in a spot (I think it was Discovery Valley) for a large amount of the morning, since each horse and rider came through there twice. Then in the afternoon we walked around the course a bit more.

I haven’t really been to an event like Burghley before, but I think it was a good experience and I’d definitely be up for it again.

If you want to see more of what I’m up to follow my socials (linked at the top of my site). If you enjoyed this post please give it a like or a comment. To see more of what I have to say about life, please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx

I’m Going To Sixth Form.

Hello!

I finally got my GCSE results… I did well enough (I don’t have to retake English, which is good), which means I got the grades to go to sixth form.

Yay.

I then realised, sixth form is going to be shit. (Optimism)

Quite frankly, I’m going to be surrounded by the kind of entitled nerds who I spend most of my time trying not to punch. It’s going to be challening. Plus there’s the fact I hate people anyway.

When I signed up someone forgot to mention… The school is run by the God Squad… By that I mean they’re too religious for comfort. I have no problem with religion, what I have a problem with is forcing it on people, especially through the method of schools. Which means unless I find a pretty good excuse, I’m singing Jesus songs.

As well as this, the people running the school clearly love gender stereotypes. Oh yes… They are a pretentious school that do speech day. And I’ve heard rumours that all girls have to wear a skirt. Unfortunately the school think I am female so I am screwed.

I’d also like to mention that the last time I did a full day of school was before May half term… The last time I did a full week was some time before that… I don’t think I did a full week in the summer term at all. So that’s going to be difficult.

Dress codes… Where do I start? All I wanted in life was a suit… A real nice suit. But due to the previously mentioned skirt issue and my mum, that isn’t happening. So I’m stuck in irritating shirts, which aren’t actual shirts, although at least I have a few pairs of trousers.

There’s also my general attitude. When I’m with people who are serious, I really struggle to be serious.

However… I am looking forward to student discounts. I was in PC World the other day and the gut was like “you can get a discount with Student Beans if you go to sixth form”. So I looked into it and I was like… I can actually sign up to this. Cheap stuff. Yay.

I will keep the blog updated about my time at sixth form, because it’s going to be entertaining. If you enjoyed this post, please give it a like or comment. Feel free to follow me, my socials are linked at the top.

AwkwardHuman xx

My Spam Comments

Hello!

I get a lot of spam comments. Some of them are pretty funny. Obviously normally they can’t be seen and I don’t get notified by them thanks to Akismet. But I can choose to view them, and every so often I do. So I decided to leave them for maybe a couple of months so I could write a post about my spam comments. Here we go…

I really don’t understand the first paragraph… Or any of the rest of it actually. Did this person just do that thing where they write what autocorrect suggests?

Well thankyou… But that post really wasn’t that interesting, and I don’t think there’s much to learn.

Wow, free truck games? Sign me up. I didn’t bother to check out the link, but I’m guessing it’s self promotion.

Ok, this is literally pressing autocorrect. This made me laugh, a lot.

Is it me, or are they writing to Sheryl? The third paragraph confuses me. Thanks for the spam comment to someone else.

Thanks for the free advice, but in all seriousness, I’m not that serious about this blog.

This started off as just weird then got into self promotion. And what is it with them all being on Why I Am The Way I Am?

I have an RSS feed? That’s news.

Loving the self promotion. Thank you very much.

This person had another 4 comments also on the same post… What the actual fuck? Stop getting your bot or whatever to ask for advice, and at least get a better one that doesn’t comment on the same post.

That’s all of my spam comments at the moment. If you enjoyed this post, please give it a like or a comment. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me, my socials are linked at the top of my site.

AwkwardHuman xx

The (Almost) Complete Truth

Hello!

I’ve been thinking for a while now. Yes, me thinking is probably a dangerous idea. I’ve been running this blog for over 2 years and in this time, in some aspects I’ve been able to be more truthful with how I am in real life, and in some, it’s almost like I’m a different person.

I struggle to open up. Like, really struggle. In real life, I tend to avoid emotions where possible, I avoid showing a sexuality- if people ask me what I think I tend to literally say “whatever”. Even on this blog, I don’t talk about relationships, well I have none because no one wants to go near the potentially transgender weirdo ( a lot of people think I’m a trans guy and apparantly that’s a turn off, plus I’m just weird anyway). Ignoring that fact, I still refuse to discuss things like who I like with anyone, even my closest friends.

This is mostly because of how bullied I was in year 7 and 8, I was bullied for showing emotion, and I guess I just learnt to shut myself off. Not completely, but enough to protect myself. When I joined a new school in year 9 , I began AwkwardHuman not long afterwards. With the shutting myself off, my emotions would build up and then normally come out as anger.

I figured it was better to open up to about 5 strangers on the internet who don’t actually read my blog than to get angry for “no reason”.

I’m often asked who I really am. The main reason I will refuse to tell anyone is because it only takes one person to recognise my name for everything to come out. If my family were to find out that I’m agender and bisexual (or even just one of those two things), I am at a risk of being kicked out, even if I was allowed to stay, I’m not sure how safe it would be for me to.

I don’t know when I realised just how much I struggle to open up to people about what I really feel. People who know me in real life, they see someone who is pretty confident in themselves and happy to take the piss out of other people. This hides just how underconfident I am.

While I will take the piss out of others, I hide the fact that I go through serious phases of hating who I am. Some days I’m better than others, sometimes I can be there in my head like “I’m agender and stuck in a female body, but hey that’s cool.” Other days I hate that I’m trapped in a female body, I can’t go near a mirror without hating myself. When I have those days, I want to be able to correct people when they use she pronouns, when they use my real name, I want to do anything I can to relieve some of the feeling of being trapped. This has been happening more and more often lately.

There are some days, I want to be able to say to anyone who reads this”hi people, this is my face. My name is [insert name]”. But I know I can’t. I come from one of those places where everyone will know someone you know, it’s the one thing that, at least while I live in the same house as my parents, I can not share with the interent. Every day I want to be able to ask for help, but I can’t, it’s safer and easier for me to suffer in silence.

I hope you are able to have something close to an understanding of what I’m trying to say. I guess I just wanted to get accross that I struggle to open up to people. Opening up is something I want to do so badly, but I guess I’m just too scared to.

If you enjoyed this post please give it a like. If you experience similar issues, please leave a comment. If you want to see more of what I have to say please follow me.

AwkwardHuman xx